The need

I believe at times we all have contradictions that that run through our head. This is especially true within this lifestyle of BDSM, D/s, Ms, etc… Any of you that have followed me for any length of time know that I have written about the contradictions that lie within submission. There is the internal battle many times of what seems right versus what a submission wants, needs, or craves. It can be hard to accept these things and come to terms with our desires for these seemingly inappropriate acts and treatment. In today’s society, it can even seem very wrong to even want to submit and give power and authority over to another person, regardless of the acts that may play out. Well, I’m going to let you in on a little secret… this can be hard for me as a Dominant as well.

When I take the time to look at some of things that I enjoy about being Dominant, and the aspects of this lifestyle that I enjoy (the not so gentle or nice aspects), and compare that to what is considered socially acceptable, it can stop me in my tracks. In fact, in some circles I potentially could be clinically determined to be a sexual deviant and be need to be on the registered sexual offender list. I could be one of those people that has to carry that stigma and has everyone look at him as though I am an outcast. Why don’t we just go ahead and take me to the town square and hang me for all to see and rid our community of such atrocity.

I see scenes of seemingly rough forced sex and I like it. I see scenes of whipping and I love the pretty  stripes left across the submissives ass. I see various acts of pain inflicted and I want to do those things myself. I want to make my slave moan and scream and beg, and then make her take even more. I want to make her choke on my manhood, only to let her breathe and then do it again. I see pictures of women in of cages and think “Hmmm… I have one of those!” I think about spanking her pussy and hurting her nipples and want to subject her to it over and over. I want to give myself into her repeatedly so that it hurts her and she screams, and I won’t stop until she’s a foggy mess of a blob that can’t even function. All to exert my Dominance, fulfill our own needs, and show her how she is owned and at my mercy .

Here lies the contradiction. At the same time, I love and care for my slave. I want to go places and do things with her. I want to hold her hand. I want to spoon with her as we sleep. I want to caress and care for her. I want to gently kiss her on the forehead. I want to have her head in my lap and stroke her hair and cheek as we watch television. I want to laugh with her, and pick at each other in fun. I want to defend her when she is threatened, and throw myself in front of any danger she might face. I want to shield her from anything harm that may come her way.

How can I be this way? How can I want to hurt her in one breath and protect her from pain in another? How can I want to subject her to such apparently cruel acts, but then want to protect her ?

How? I’ll tell you how! Because it’s part of who I am as a man and a Dominant, and also what my slave needs and craves from me. It’s part of the dynamic we have together, each knowing our roles and place with the other. Each of us, in actuality, feeding off the other to be this way to meet our owns needs as well as fulfill the needs of each other. Am I like this with everyone? Absolutely not! The key to it all is consent. I have no desire to do these things with someone that does not want and need it. That doesn’t turn me on one bit. I am secure in the Dominant I am and the things I desire and need as a Dominant. For this to work for me, I need a willing partner. I need someone that wants this from me, and even pushes me to do more and go further with this side of myself. I need consent as well as a mental and emotional connection to be this way with someone. This is not about taking what I want from just anyone. It’s about being that way with and for my slave because she needs that from me, and it allows me to be able to be my true self.

I may be a walking contradiction in many ways, but I’m ok with that. I’m good with the person I am and have uncovered. I won’t lie to you, it’s not always easy, but that’s ok as well. The struggles make the triumphs worthwhile. For me, the benefits far outweigh the downsides.

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The Failure

It`s been some time since I blogged, so much has been going on in my life during this summer.
And as I always stress, BDSM is part of my life and not a lifestyle , therefore I have`nt made time for blogging.
Anyhow, thanks for all mail and feedback on my blog I read all mail I recive and you also know that im replay each one of you.
The feedback from all is really highly appreciated.

I have a job and a life thats built around alot of responsibility and I have also blogged about that a Dominant crave , like and need this extra trait.
I bear not only their own personal responsibility to be of good conduct, but also culturing that sense of responsibility in my submissives and my households. Be it full-time or part-time, it would be irresponsible, and therefore immoral if were we to demand obedience to commands that would do harm to my submissives or their responsibilities (children, parents, job, etc). It is a line that must be walked between the responsibilities… of lives touched and desires. Impulse control, self restraint, and “the long term view” are marks of responsible ownership. Such responsibility cannot be “passed down” to your submissive and absolve the dominant of responsibility either.

Yes, you have your responsibilities…and so do I.

Therefor everyday life can and most likely will intervene With a BDSM lifestyle and the other way around.

As a Dominant, I am responsible for doing all I can to foster a healthy relationship. The submissive must do all they can as well. It is shared…no one is excused.

BDSM is togetherness , BDSM is us, never me, BDSM is two who finding there singel needs melt togheter in a common hope for building something strong and lasting and finding common ground to built something.
I have sadly so often expirenced that if I as a Dominant make a mistake or find it hard to Balance all the responsibility, only to expirience that a submissive redrawn from all responsibility and just pointing fingers.
This is extra frustrating for me as a Domiant , because I build my Domination upon devolping and therefor also offcourse and naturally accept failure.
Failure is not only something a submissive can expirience, YES we Dominant also have all the human-traits and as we all know, failure is a part of Learning before I do it right.

The Owner and the slave

The purest part of BDSM is a Owner and my slave.
Though it is also the role within BDSM thats hardest to fulfill both from a Owner perspective and also for the slave.
In a idealistic world a slave would be free from all aspects of responsibility.

I know is this is more of a fantasy and fiction , then a posibility now a days.
A 24/7 slave has normaly her own obligasions, friends, Family and hers duties in a “Vanilla- world”.
Im sure that so many have made the mistakes of trying to fulfill and chase this “dream” of a relationship and then really crashed and burned.
If you chase a dream of a relationship most likely it would end up just as a nightmare.

The first thing I have to pinpoint is beeing a slave is not for everybody, and far from any Dominant can have a responsibility for a slave.
I would say that its acctualy a real danger for a slave giving away all the Power to a Dominant who is not concious for his role as a Owner of a slave.
This is the highest form for Dominanse, and absolutly the higest form for responsibility for me as a Owner and Domiant.
And its also the highest form for submission for a woman to be a slave ( you did read the highest) far from the lowest !
Thats the first point for me as a Domiant and Owner, owning a slave is the highest value of BDSM.

So then i would like to focus on what I se as a slaves Place.
What is a slave’s place? Where does she belong in the relationship?
The simple truth is that a slave gets all her protection and guiding from me as a Owner.
And I mean that if one is truly committed to living Owner/slave, it is crucial to understand this basic premise.

Owner/slave is all about the exchange of power. It is the fundamental part of this way of life. The power breakdown is what makes Owner/slave different from the traditional forms of relationships. In fact, with such complete exchange of power, Owner/slave differs greatly from a D/s relationship, because of the fully responsibility I have for a slave ( yes, I remember what I just wrote about the slaves Vanilla-world duties)
But when the slave is Owned all other aspects of her life is my Responsiblity. ( part from the Vanilla duties.)

I honestly believe few are cut out for Owner/slave relationship. I see many, especially online, claim to be slaves. At the same time, I see some of these same people writing blogs “informing” others what life as a slave is all about. Sadly, this is misleading since they no more qualify as slaves than I do.

At the core of the Owner/slave relationship is the total exchange of power. It is absolute, complete, and final. This is not something that is subject to interpretation. A slave gives all her power over to her Owner. Any power retained by her  is granted by me the Owner. It is that simple.
Therefor it is so important to listen to the slave from the start and keep listining to the slave at all times, but at the end of the day it is my responsibility to have total Control and protect the slave in any situastion.
Why listen to a slave you might be asking ? ?
Well here is also one of the biggest difference from reality and fiction.
In reality there is no way I can take full controll of a slave without knowing her, knowing her core, her values, her way of thinking…
Therefor I listen, but I make the decisions.
When I as a Owner have heard my slaves opinion I will take the right choise for my slave.
Many would now say : “hey, you never listen to a slave”
Well in Movies and fiction they dont, in real life I do !

In the core of a slaves heart and purpose a slave is a Owners property.
Thats is not up for debate nor descutions.
Beeing a slave is to make my life full as a Owner and therefor make it easier for me as a Owner, not more difficult.
It is her place to available to him when I decides I wants her. Not only for sex, but for my enjoyment.
Do this mean that I want a slave to clean and Cook while I am watching TV ?
Hell no, this means that my slave at all times know her purpose.
I do not want my slave to be a housemaid, I want my slave to be happy and devlop more and deeper into her role.
I dont know about anybody who has developed by cleaning the dishes.
But I need a slave who is naked at my side when I tell her, I need a slave that responds to my commands,  I need a slave that does her tasks at the best performance she can do, and I need a slave that is confident and are learning more about her self then in any other relationship.

 

One of the hardest parts With owning a slave is this is about the slave serving me, at her interest.
Read that scentence over a few times.
The hardest part for me as a owner is to protect her needs and interest.
This is the hardest part of Owning a slave.
Not for the slave, but for me as a Owner !
My choises has to be tought thru and be in the best interest for the slave to best serve me as her Owner. ( here is where I Guess over 80% fail) because if I as a Owner stops having my slaves interest at heart, I can never own a slave.
This is not about a slave’s wishes. I considers them, I make a choice. in the slaves best interest ! ( yes I know im repating myself , but this is so important for both a slave and any other Owners to read )
I am under no obligation to do what a slave wants me to do, but it is my obligation to listen to my slave ( see the difference? )

“A slave is a slave. know your Place”. I have read sometimes for many years ago somewhere….
Well I concure that actual statement, but I`ll rather say:
A slave is just as good as I as a Owner am for my slave.
Owner/slave is about service and taking the biggest responsibility as a Owner for a slave do grow and develop.

I write this with the intention of helping people open their eyes to this way of life. A true Owner will look after his slave to ensure their safety, peace and happiness.
However, there are times when I makes choices that are in direct opposition to what a slave wants. It is at this point that a slave needs to remember her place and that she is under her Owners Control and that the trust is above anything that is “normal” in a relationship.
Making good choises for a slave is the hardest part of Owning a slave.
This is for the extreme but for those who can handle it, it is the highest form of a relationship and makes both the slave and I as a Owner grow extremely close.
It may take years to reach this goal, but when you are in a Owner/slave relationship all the work to getting to the finish line is more then a journey….It is Beyond and deeper then any relationship.

 

 

The Feelings

When starting out in D/s, there are many things, situations and activities that are discussed.  Talking can only take you so far.  For so many aspects of D/s, you really can’t get a grasp of it totally until you have actually experienced it.  The feelings involved are definitely one of those aspects. I can discuss this With my submissive, about how intense feelings can become.  About how intense being together in this manor can be.  About how when things perfectly line up, and you find the “one” for you, how intense the feelings for each other can be.  Until they begin to actually experience it, and get away from just talking about it, it is very hard for a submissive to really comprehend how it will be.
Some may have never been in a position to have feelings like this before.  They may have never allowed themselves to be open enough to feel like this before.  Maybe they have wanted it, but they have never found the right person to be able to give them what they really need, enabling them to open up and feel like this.  Whatever the case, once it happens, it is hard to prepare for it before you begin to have these intense feelings for your partner.  It can catch many people off guard.  In reality, it can be so different than anything they have felt before, that what they are feeling and experiencing in their mind scares the hell out of them.  They are afraid of what they are feeling and want to run and hide.  There is a sense of being too vulnerable.  There is a sense of being too exposed.  There is a sense of nothing good can come of this, and that the only possible ending to it is being hurt.  Most of the time this is because of past experience with a partner, or not having been through this before, and feeling so open that they just can’t deal with it.

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This is where trust and open communication become so vitally important.  It is a must to be able to talk this through with your partner.  I feel I have to show my sub that it is ok to feel this way. It is natural for these feelings to develop.  Most importantly, that I am in no way here to hurt you or cause you any psychological or emotional damage.  Trust is developed over time.  A person can’t demand it.  It is over time that you will see that my actions back up my words.  That I am here to care for you, protect you, and guide you to what is best for you.  It serves me no purpose to take you down a road of destruction.  I am here to show you the way to new and better things.  I am here to show you how great this can be.  I am here to help you see and feel things in a way you never thought you could, or even knew you could.

Most people that are afraid of what they are feeling do so because it is new, and they don’t understand it.  Yet, deep down they do like what they are feeling and know that it is something very special.  A door has been opened for them to a whole new world.  A world that maybe they have been searching for their entire lives.  We all get in our comfort zone, and can be afraid to step out of it.  But, only in stepping out of it and into new territory can we grow and progress.  If you stand still, you can’t move forward…you become static…and you will never go anywhere other than where you are right now.  Is that what you really want?  Is that what you really want to settle for being?  I don’t think so!  I think a sub wants to be able to step through that door and have what is waiting on the other side.  With some care, love and reassurance, she can see how great things can be.  That her fears may have been a bit over-thought.

It is hard to try and to look for something that may not exist, which would cause anyone to lose hope.  But when you do find it…when you find that special person and those special feelings…even if it is scary, aren’t you glad you have a guiding hand to hold onto to show you the way.  A hand that will protect you the best it can and be there for you.  One that wants nothing but to make this adventure the best it can be.  You may be frightened…scared…afraid…or even terrified.  I think the only thing worse than that is the thought of giving it up when it’s everything you have ever wanted.  Finding what you have always wanted and needed, only to give up and walk away because it seems scary to you?  To me that is more frightening than facing the feelings, accepting them, and taking a chance on a wonderful and beautiful relationship.

Don’t be afraid!  Here is my hand. Take it in yours!  Hold onto me and together we can face this journey.  Together we can make it everything we have ever wanted.  All you have to do is let me show you the way.  Let me show you that your trust in me is worth every once you have.  I won’t let you down!

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The Strenght

Appearances aren’t always as they appear. Those of us involved in this lifestyle know there is much more to it than what someone may see . This goes much deeper than the mere physical appearances of the activities we choose to bring into our relationships…much deeper. For all of us, always remember…”Relationships are much deeper and more involved than they appear”.

I think those people that peek in from the outside see a submissive as being weak. They see a woman being owned and controlled by a man (reverse the gender roles if you like), and view this as a weakness. Many people don’t think a woman should bow and cede herself to a man…or to anyone for that matter. They think she should stand on her own two feet and be able to take care of herself. She should be assertive and able to take charge of any situation. I say this is a bunch of ignorance.

I say that it takes a very strong woman to be willing and able to submit.  The core person is still there and strong. She has to be strong to be able to not only comprehend her need for submission, but then be able to act upon that need. A woman must be strong mentally and emotionally to be able to give herself to someone the way a submissive woman does. There is no weakness in needing to give yourself to a Dominant. It is that deep inner strength that makes her a good submissive. Someone without that strength will have a very hard time opening up and baring herself completely. Not to mention, this strength is combined with raw determination to be able to stay the course and follow through with what she desires the most. We all know…it isn’t always easy.

Always stand strong, be proud of who you are, and don’t let anyone make you think less of yourself. Anyone that tries to bring you down is only afraid and insecure about themselves. They will belittle you and try to make you feel smaller about yourself in order to feel better about themselves. So, stand tall, smile, and be happy with nothing less than the person you are. This will enable you to become even stronger, more self-aware, and more secure with yourself. Being able to look inside and being happy with what you see is what matters most of all.

“You are stronger than you think, and I have shown you just how strong and important, and appreciated you are. Let your inner strength flow and don’t allow what anyone else says or does make you think any less of yourself. Let them look like a fool on their own with the less than desirable behavior they may exhibit. In the end, it will be they that will be seen as a lesser and weaker person. I am proud of you as a person…all that you are and can be. I am proud and honored to be able to call you mine.”

The Growth

I have been reading over 100s of  personal growth books in my life.Focusing on self-improvement has presented many opportunities in my life—and learning and knowledge allways is a winning formula.
But from reading and getting the knowledge you have to put the new knowledge in  order for things to change in your life, in order to get where you want to be, you have to grow into the person who is ready for that change. Personal development is vital to your success on a personal Level , but surely allso as a Domiant.
I have blogged alot about development in BDSM and now , my blog  is about the growth.

I am a believer that we need to grow to move forward. BDSM is all about growth.
The growth I as a Dominant and my submissive together achive.
We enter this way of life knowing little yet learn and expand as we go along. The journey typically starts with our kinks (which most likely will expand over time) before extending with the realization that BDSM offers the opportunity to live life at a higher level. What I mean by this is that true BDSM people will hold themselves to a higher standard than the rest of society ( I think). This only makes sense when you realize the depth and risk associated with true power exchange. A person who takes this from another needs to be responsible with that power. It is something that the average person does not have to deal with in his relationship. Here I as a  Dominant is fully in charge and needs to direct things. I cannot absolve myself of the leadership position.

To cover some of the basic areas that growth is required, I will start with mental. Under mental, I am referring to knowledge. What is I as a Dominant doing to expand my knowledge base in all areas? Am I sitting around watching television all day long or does I at least pick up a book once in a while? Does I visit different websites to learn about different things? Are there hobbies I engages upon which expand my knowledge base and skills? Am I  studying for something that will improve my future, and through that, also improve my submissives future? And finally, doesI make it this way of life and his Domination a personal study? Too many seem to think, as I mentioned earlier in my blog that someone is born Dominant and, that having the quality of domination is enough. Few realize that to truly Dominant, one needs to make it a lifelong study.
I read somewhere that the blind never can lead the deaf…and this is so true if a Dominant never spend any time in expanding the knowledge, I think it is only Wannabe Dominants who lean to fact that they are born Dominant and therefor have the skill to lead a submissive.
This is not true, this is actually “Dangerous” for a submissive to lean towards , because it is all a house of cards.

With no knowledge, you can never lead ! 

Another area where growth is required is in regard to ones skills. Focusing upon BDSM solely, for a moment, I will state that any Dominant who is not expanding his abilities is going to lose those the submissive that are under his control. A submissive need to grow also and that comes, in part, by his ability to push her further. Naturally, I need to have the ability in a particular area before I can push her. Sadly, I belive a great many BDSM relationship end simply because the submissive outgrew the Dominant. The submissive progressed while he sat back and felt it his place to be waited upon. He deferred to her on all the effort while giving none himself. Well, I have news for you, this is not a choice. As a  Dominant, it is my responsibility to expand and grow because my submissive is (or will) be dependent upon that. Again, this is not a choice.
In many ways in a BDSM realtionship I as a Dominant is in charge allso for my submissive to grow, and never stop her from getting information seeking verious sites and reading blogs.
Because I am a beliver that growth is constant and a good BDSM relationship and a real Dominant spend alot of time growing and expanding this will lead to my submissive will devlop on the same path as mine.

The Keys

Everyone in the lifestyle does things differently.
I respect what ever that makes you happy in any relationship.
But the BDSM relationship is just a little bit more of the extras.
As a Dominant I need a lot of differnt keys to make a D/s relationship work.
Let me give you some keys that I feel is important.
Responsibility — I bear the responsibility in almost every aspect of the relationship. Why? Because I am in control of it. When it comes down to it, I am the one who is ultimately responsible for what happens to my submissive, my house, my job, myself — anything that is under my control including my actions and reactions.

Example: Your submissive is acting up. Is she responsible? Yes, but ultimately the reason why she is acting up is my responsibility. Maybe I have not being consistent enough and it is throwing her out of balance. Maybe the relationship needs maintenance. Most submissive do not want to act up. Most submissive are not even aware they are, but most submissive do act up because the world I created for her was thrown out of balance this is just one example of making me ultimately responsible for her behavior.

Maintenance — is crucial in any relationship, but in a BDSM relationships – it is vital. It’s no different than never changing the oil in your car and expect your car to drive forever. There are little tweaks and adjustments that need to happen over time to keep the car running. The same thing can be held true in a lifestyle relationship. But what is maintenance? It could be just the basics: take her for a date, do something new and excating together, find new ways to bound, find new ways to play and make her Connect even stronger to me a her Dominant. It is about taking control of the relationship and making sure all of the needs and support is met. not by Words , but actually doing the maintenance.

Follow Up — A product can only be as good as the person putting it together. This is a old saying , but clearly applies here because I am ultimately responsible if a submissive or  does not perform correctly. Instead of beating her ass, making her feel like she can’t do anything right why not show her what she is done wrong, show her what she’s supposed to do, and then follow-up with what happened? That is administering positive discipline. It’s positive because it positive reinforces how I want my submissive to act, respond, and behave — yet it fosters the strong structure and foundation that is a prerequisite for a healthy relationship.

This is just a few examples of keys that I mean is important keys to hold.
But there is no need for any keys if there isn`t a door and a lock, because locks need keys. There is no need to beat a door when you have a key that works on the door.
There is no point of getting upset when the door doesn’t open; there is no need to break down the door because it wouldn’t open. It is not the door’s fault. It is not the lock’s fault. And sometimes, it is not even the key’s fault. But if a key doesn’t work then we need to try a different key to open the door on our submissives.
Banging the door, breaking it in half, ripping it from the doorframe only serves to scare the submissive. My response to the door makes them question their approach, question what they are doing, making a seemingly stable environment — become unstable. I have my keys,  I respect them,  I know them, and I am cognizant when they fail, when they are in need of repair, or when they work well. Breaking a key inside of a lock causes more grief and exasperation.
And the beauty of it all:

I hold the keys to the success or failure of my relationship

 

 

 

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The Expectations

I have responsibilities and I also seek responsibilities
I have the responsibility to develop , learn and understand my submissive.
I have the responsibility to be strong and independent. I have the responsibility to be wise and patient, and to be controlled and in control of ourselves and my submissive.

I have to accept accountability for whatever happens with my submissive.
I have the responsibility to take responsibility (and accountability) for both our actions, and my submissives’ actions.
Well, submissive responsibilities exist too. (No, not “suck my dick daily” kinds of responsibilities).Responsibilities in submission are supposed to include communication with me as a Dominant. Having patience with the relationship. Working to build trust with me. And having realistic expectations of the relationship, while understanding the meaning of discretion when things need work. You know…all the stuff below?

Remember Patience
Patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace, and grace is importent.
When you start dating someone – you don’t ask them to marry you the first week out. Nor the first month, or (hopefully) the first year. So why are you in a rush to be “collared” immediately? Why is there this pressure to invent a myriad variety of “collars” to validate every single status change in the relationship? Date. Hang out. Talk.
Communicate on fantasies and find the common  fetishes and kinks.
It takes time before a Dominant becomes YOUR Master. It takes time for me to learn your way, It takes experience to recognize your body language, it takes time to understand how my submissive is thinking.

Have Realistic Expectations
You aren’t perfect? Well, neither am I. I seek to learn every day. I am constantly working on those imperfections, through self-help, personal exploration, educational classes, and reading.
It takes a lot of work to build a relationship – and that relationship has to be built from both ends. I understand that you are giving a lot when you surrender your body, soul and mind to me as a Dominant , I respect off course this highly.
BDSM is beautiful , some of the Pictures and the stories are just Perfect……..But this is not everyday life.
A BDSM relationship in the Movies or books are fiction.
An fantasies of a Superman/Batman Dominant are also fiction, a true Dominant has strenghts and weeknesses.

Consistency
I do the best I can to enforce the rules and follow thru consistently.
There’s something to be said for a sub who is the same Level in her level of devotion, her level of commitment, and her level of caring. I motivate, I train, and I guide. But if you’re giving us a different persona and a different level of submission every other day… will make the relationship very hard, and will be hard for me as a Dominant also to be conscientious.
Off course there is no such thing as a calm seas at all times in any relationships, but thats something totally differnt then consistently.

Trust
A
ctual trust, not “earn it or else” trust
Nobody trust  immediately from word one. That would be insane.
You’ve heard the old adage “trust takes time”? Well, trust also takes effort. And communication , from both parties. Trust is always a two way street.
As a Dominant I cherish trust, but trust is always about giving and reciving.
Trust is never a Dominant only responsibility, my submissive has to win my trust.

Sanity
This is a no brainer. But unfortunately, it rarely gets spoken of in our lifestyle.
We all have our issues and I can give much to my submissive but im not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, but I respect that we all can have expirences in Our lives that can be hard to cope With and life is brutally hard sometimes. Entering deeply emotional and effort-related relationships demands that both parties are open and honest about who we are, where we stand and whats Our story.

Stop Recycling the Past
Expirience Counts, and hell ya its the defeats and how we turned defeat to expirience that makes us who we are.
But that said…this is us, starting fresh.This is a new relationship and maybe you as a submissive is New to the BDSM relationship.
I have met a lot of submissives over time, each one of them have taught me a lesson.
But im not in a search to copy my past, I want to create the New beginning, this should off course be the same for my submissive.

Honest Effort and Understanding
You might want us to know how hard submission is? Well, I want you to know how hard Domination is.I say there is a deep dimensions in the emotional and psychological impact.
For both me and my submissive, this could be hard and tough at times…..
I demand therfor a honest effort and understanding for the responsibillity I cary.
As like I respect my submissives effort in learing and developing.

Communication
Domination AND submission. Master AND slave. Top AND bottom. You AND me, Please note the “and”  It means that just as much as you expect me as a  Dominant to communicate with you about your training and performance…I expect the same of you.
This is what I Call the circle of BDSM realationship.
If you can’t communicate to me as a Domiant this would be like the blind leading the deaf.
I have a lot of skills, but since im not Batman or Superman, I do not have the gift to read Your toughts…
The better you as a submissive communicate, the better Dominant I will be.

The Start

All good things have a start.
This is NOT a blog about the “born” Dominants or the naturaly  submissives.
As I have blogged about before, I am a beliver that a Dominant is beeing Dominant thru his expiriences, his life choises, his  morality and ethics , and his ability to learn and develop to mention a few things….And yes there are a some Genetic in play….
I dare to say that this also will be the same for a submissive.
The commen introduction to the BDSM world are after the breakup of a long term relationship, a divorce or when you have reached a certain age and dose of life experience.  Regardless of the actual trigger some things seem to remain fairly consistent in a majority of the newcomer’s experiences.

Emergence is the emerging from vanilla into the BDSM lifestyle, something like emerging from a cocoon. This is a process that takes years. It has been my experience that there are several phases that seem to be consistent during this emerging process. At the onset many people are uncertain ‘where’ they might fall in this new world and they may have conflicting fantasies which in essence tell them merely that ‘things’ in this lifestyle seem to address images, fantasies, thoughts, hopes and dreams which have lingered just below the surface of the individual’s life sometimes for many, many years. Too often the individual jumps at what they think they might be. Choosing this role helps them fit it. They find they can learn the lingo, talk the talk fairly quickly and be accepted.

There are several problems with an introduction into the BDSM world in this way. One of the most significant is the case of the new telling the new what to do. This is the blind leading the blind.. There are those who are not BDSM at all but what the community call vanilla kink, these tend to be people looking for quick, easy, cheap sexual contacts and affairs with that ‘edge’ of kinky that they cannot find in their vanilla life. There are those seeking to prey upon the new and innocent by promoting themselves as something they are not. These can be sociopaths who enjoy injuring and even ruining people. Then we have people who are real life BDSM who also enjoy making friends and contacts on the Fetlife or other portals on the web for it is truly an excellent resource and way to connect. For an emergent or newcomer D/s person this might becomes a very dangerous and tangled web.

Sorting out what is real from what is false is never easy.
People have raced to stick ‘labels’ on people in order to classify them. This is just as flawed as the newcomer leaping to ‘become’ something before they have any real comprehension of what that is. An emergent Dominant may after a while just be the everyday asshole who are using a tittel on Fetlife to use women.
I say that there is a problem on Fetlife, that People themself put the labels on who they are. ( yes I know I am stepping on some toes)

The individual should consider the process one of evolution and change. 

 

Let me give a inside tips to the New Dominant:
In a new Dominant you may see this panorama of opportunity. Willing submissives everywhere. but when the party is over the real life begins then you will learn that ‘managing’ a submissive is quite difficult.  Therefore it is so crusial to take active steps to educate themselves in the real life BDSM world prior to assuming a Dominant role and engaging the attentions of one or more submissives.I do belive the things can be said for many submissives though in general I find that more submissives actively educate themselves than Dominants. At least in the beginning.

It becomes especially dangerous when the submissive creates fabrications of safety based on ‘how wonderful’ this  Dominant is or the want to copy there dreams or fantasies of what a BDSM relationship really is all about. Many feel it is unseemly to question someone too closely and can even feel that such questioning may appear to be a lack of trust.

This is a journey for a Dominants and also of course for the submissives.
The Journey is a inner self is a process that takes alot of time, both Individualitie and when I as a Dominant and submissive starts a common journey.
Time is so essential both to learn Your inner self, and also spend time to learn about Your partner, more then just Learning the kinks and Beyond the whips and Chains.
I always say:
Things around us that was built for over 100 of years ago have at least one thing in common.
It took time to build.

 

 

 

 

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