Dominance is indeed very much about control; exerting it, exploring it, accepting it, playing with it. But above all Dominance is about exercising it. Dominance is an act not so much of exerting control over another as it is of exercising control of myself.
Dominance is as much about what we don’t do as what we do and the self-control it takes to achieve that. As a Dominant I have the potential to seriously emotionally or physically harm a submissive or simply use the power that has been granted them in self-serving ways to the detriment of the submissive. But me as a competent and caring Dominant does none of those things, certainly not with intent, and achieves that through the exercise of self-control.
Self-control is in point of fact the wellspring of my Dominance.
When me and my Dominant’s self-control is coupled with empathy and a genuine desire that my submissive be their very best self, it is like a moth to the flame for my submissive. It is one thing to sound dominant, it is entirely another to actually BE Dominant. Lots of people can play at being a Dominant for a time but to truly have an enduring D/s relationship requires something that cannot be faked or played at. It requires a genuine commitment to the betterment of my submissive, enduring patience and selflessness, and above all, self-control in times of extreme desire, frustration, or challenge.
Having the self-control not to go too far in a scene is one thing. Having the self-control not to lash out in anger is another. But having the self-control to face a truculent, high-maintenance, frustrated or even a crying submissive with calm and patience is far, far harder. Indeed, it is the self-control exhibited by me as a Dominant in these times of trial that often most attracts the submissive and maintains their devotion. Often the submissive is a strong person seeking someone who is even stronger. And when the storm is over the Dominant stands straight and dependable as ever. This is what keeps the submissive coming back. This is what garners the devotion. This IS Dominance, this is the responsibility to protect her, the core of dominance.
Any sizable man can grab a fist full of a submissive’s hair and pull them to their knees in response to provocation and sometimes this is not entirely the wrong thing to do. But the self-control it takes to look a submissive in the eyes and calmly bring them to their knees without ever touching them? Without even saying a word? Or perhaps with a gentle touch to the shoulder in combination with a look? That is Dominance and that is pure will and self-control at work. It would be so easy to fight back, overpower, verbally spar, argue, order, etc. But control, real control, comes from the power of calm. A look, a gesture, firm words softly uttered can be so much more impactful.
And finally there is patience. Patience is yet another form of self-control.As A Dominant I control my own impulsive tendencies for the benefit of my submissive and the relationship. The fact that I as a Dominant has the self-discipline and self-control not to take everything they could have, not to just grab the situation , but rather to savor and linger without gluttony attracts the submissive to give ever more. I can afford to be patient because through my self-control and desire for the development of my submissive.
So while some fake dominant is indeed attempting to exercise some level of control over their submissive, in reality the power that enables that control comes first, foremost and ultimately from the ability to control my self. If I want a submissive to be attracted to me and devoted to me as her owner for more than the fleeting intense romance period of first meeting and early days, my maine interest is not in a desire to control another her, but rather a desire to control myself. Beacause when I do that, and a submissive will see you for the Dominant I truly are and am, she will given me what I need.
The need to protect, guide and have a good relationship built on a good fundation of BDSM , and the hardest part about all of this is it starts by be able to fully Control myself !