All good things have a start.
This is NOT a blog about the “born” Dominants or the naturaly submissives.
As I have blogged about before, I am a beliver that a Dominant is beeing Dominant thru his expiriences, his life choises, his morality and ethics , and his ability to learn and develop to mention a few things….And yes there are a some Genetic in play….
I dare to say that this also will be the same for a submissive.
The commen introduction to the BDSM world are after the breakup of a long term relationship, a divorce or when you have reached a certain age and dose of life experience. Regardless of the actual trigger some things seem to remain fairly consistent in a majority of the newcomer’s experiences.
Emergence is the emerging from vanilla into the BDSM lifestyle, something like emerging from a cocoon. This is a process that takes years. It has been my experience that there are several phases that seem to be consistent during this emerging process. At the onset many people are uncertain ‘where’ they might fall in this new world and they may have conflicting fantasies which in essence tell them merely that ‘things’ in this lifestyle seem to address images, fantasies, thoughts, hopes and dreams which have lingered just below the surface of the individual’s life sometimes for many, many years. Too often the individual jumps at what they think they might be. Choosing this role helps them fit it. They find they can learn the lingo, talk the talk fairly quickly and be accepted.
There are several problems with an introduction into the BDSM world in this way. One of the most significant is the case of the new telling the new what to do. This is the blind leading the blind.. There are those who are not BDSM at all but what the community call vanilla kink, these tend to be people looking for quick, easy, cheap sexual contacts and affairs with that ‘edge’ of kinky that they cannot find in their vanilla life. There are those seeking to prey upon the new and innocent by promoting themselves as something they are not. These can be sociopaths who enjoy injuring and even ruining people. Then we have people who are real life BDSM who also enjoy making friends and contacts on the Fetlife or other portals on the web for it is truly an excellent resource and way to connect. For an emergent or newcomer D/s person this might becomes a very dangerous and tangled web.
Sorting out what is real from what is false is never easy.
People have raced to stick ‘labels’ on people in order to classify them. This is just as flawed as the newcomer leaping to ‘become’ something before they have any real comprehension of what that is. An emergent Dominant may after a while just be the everyday asshole who are using a tittel on Fetlife to use women.
I say that there is a problem on Fetlife, that People themself put the labels on who they are. ( yes I know I am stepping on some toes)
The individual should consider the process one of evolution and change.
Let me give a inside tips to the New Dominant:
In a new Dominant you may see this panorama of opportunity. Willing submissives everywhere. but when the party is over the real life begins then you will learn that ‘managing’ a submissive is quite difficult. Therefore it is so crusial to take active steps to educate themselves in the real life BDSM world prior to assuming a Dominant role and engaging the attentions of one or more submissives.I do belive the things can be said for many submissives though in general I find that more submissives actively educate themselves than Dominants. At least in the beginning.
It becomes especially dangerous when the submissive creates fabrications of safety based on ‘how wonderful’ this Dominant is or the want to copy there dreams or fantasies of what a BDSM relationship really is all about. Many feel it is unseemly to question someone too closely and can even feel that such questioning may appear to be a lack of trust.
This is a journey for a Dominants and also of course for the submissives.
The Journey is a inner self is a process that takes alot of time, both Individualitie and when I as a Dominant and submissive starts a common journey.
Time is so essential both to learn Your inner self, and also spend time to learn about Your partner, more then just Learning the kinks and Beyond the whips and Chains.
I always say:
Things around us that was built for over 100 of years ago have at least one thing in common.
It took time to build.