Anyone can cause pain and create marks on someone else. Anyone can be aggressive and controlling. Anyone can spend a little time in a scene with someone and push their limits. The pain will go away. The bruises will go away. The marks will eventually fade and go away. As a Dominant, it’s the way you treat your submissive outside of these times that will stay with her and will last.
Here in Norway there is a book by a famous hotell owner by the title :
“Let me tell you my secret”
With no comparison , I want to tell my Secret to you.
The Secret of how I mean the cirkle of dominans is working and what I as a Dominant need to know and do.
Everytime I do this I get alot of mail from other “dominants” saying: ” who the hell are you to tell me anyting about whats right in domination”
Before you “dominante” start sending me those emails , I`ll tell you once again this is MY toughts, this is MY Secret as a Dominant and this is how I solve things…
Is this a copypaste for all Dominant`s outhere? NO!
The first part of beeing sucsessfull in a BDSM relationship I as a Dominant have to give my submissive care and support throughout their relationship. I have to offer reassurance and encouragement. I need to make her feel appreciated for her submission, what she is willing to endure for me, and even as the woman she is in being to me as her partner. This is not something that is only part of a scene together. It has to be part of the entire relationship, every single day. It is this being there for her, and helping support her in being who she is for me, that will last and stick in her mind. It is treatening her like she is important part of my life and that I care that will stay with her most.
It never ceases to amaze me how so many “dominants” think being Dominant is just about the scene, using her sexually, or making her suffer pain. They just want the action and fun and then are on their way. They don’t understand aftercare and the importance of it. They don’t understand continual ongoing care and the importance of it. They don’t understand that it’s the time between your scenes that are most important. This time is what helps her process what happened, gives her constant reassurance, and makes her want and need more from you. And I would like to repeat….
The time between your scenes that are the most important.
A Dominant cannot just be part of the scene and then disappear or not put forth any effort. It’s this effort that solidifies and reinforces who she is and what she gives. She cannot be left floundering on her own to deal with everything. Me as a Dominant, I have asked for her submission and she has given it to me, so I have to be willing and able to take her on. Her submission is not just about the actual physical acts, but helping her learn and grow in addition to that as well. If left to herself she will not be getting what she needs from you. She will withdraw. She will lose trust in me as her Dominant. She will lose respect for me as her Dominant. Ultimately this will mean you lose her submission to you. Once this happens, it will be very difficult to regain, if not impossible.
A power exchange relationship, of whatever dynamic you choose, is a constant ongoing process and exchange. It’s not just for the fun aspects and when it’s convenient. When you invest yourself and your time into your partner, you can find more than you ever dreamed and get more from your partner than you ever knew you could have.
I Call this the cirkle of BDSM.
If you don’t give the time and effort, you are doomed to fail. She is worth and deserves that effort from me as her Dominant. Don’t be that guy that just uses her for your own enjoyment and pushes her aside. Be the Dominant she needs all the time. I promise you will get more in return than you ever imagined, and it will continue to only get better.
From personal experience, I can tell you that no woman, no matter what or how you try to explain to her, can grasp how her emotions will become involved. How her need will grow. How this will become an addiction for her. She has no way to know. She has no reference point as of now. I can drill into a sub how intense this can be. How emotional it will become. But until she is actually there and feeling it, she really can’t know and understand.
She will be required, with me anyway, to be completely open and honest at all times. She will be required to open herself and her inner thoughts to me like she never has to anyone before in her life. She will be faced with being vulnerable like never before. In many women this will strike fear. Fear of having to be that open. Fear of having to share such a dark side of her newly discovered self. Fear of being hurt by being so open. There is no hiding and no holding back. Many times she has been hurt in the past, and has withdrawn and put up so many barriers that it takes an entire demolition crew to begin to knock down those walls. This can be a very emotional time for her. She wants this and needs this, but is scared to death at the same time, as she is introduced more and more to this life by discussions, pictures, assignments, and so on.
This is where having the right Dominant is so important. It is at this very moment that her entire submissiveness swings in the balance. This can become the best thing ever, or it can become the nightmare she so greatly fears. Who holds the key to which way it will swing? I, the Dominant, does. It is up to me to guide her through this jungle of emotions. It is up to me to support her, do all I can to make her feel safe, and to show her I care. That I’m not just here to use her and do all these naughty things to her and treat her like trash. Although, this may be what she believes by all she has seen and read on the internet. I’m here to help support and hold her up. I’m here to lead her down this path, help her face her fears, and see that I mean what I say and I am who I say I am. That I’m not here to tear her down, but to build her up. It is through this support and care that she will begin to believe that I am truly here for her. That I really do want to help her be who she needs to be, and in a loving and caring manner. That I don’t want to change her, but want to open her up and help her spread her wings to be who she already is.
This blog could offcourse gone on forever, but to summit up I made this list:
- Care and support Your submissive.
- Always appreciat the submission she is giving to you.
- The time between the scenes are most important.
- Aknowledge Your responsibilites for Your submissive.
- Learn about all the feelings that is at play in a BDSM relationship.
- Dont try to change her, Develop her.
- Never tie her down, but focus on letting her be free.
- Be the gardian Man she needs and want.
My expirience is that if you follow this steps as a start……..You will start the Journey of building the cirkle that BDSM is all about.