The art of no safeword

No safeword ?! Are you crazy !
Well I have heard it all before, so many submissive`s and also Domiants I have talked about this topic has reacted just in the manner most likely you do, when you are reading the start of this blog.
Safeword have been a keyword in BDSM so much that even outside the kink world have heard of them.
I got a qustion today : ” I fear if there is not a safeword it might go wrong and the trust might be broken forever”
I replied that I agree in the statment if the Dominant is not expirienced it might go very wrong and this is much of the reasons why I don`t use safeword.
I as a Dominant need trust, I will correct myself I base my hole Dominans on trust, this trust I have been given will I protect and cherish as the most valauble gift any other person can give me.
A Dominant without trust is like a fish without water……Trust is essential.
And if trust is so essential for me , why in the world would i risk loosing it ?
Yes , it might be “easier” for some to have a safeword ( also as a Domiant) but my submissive would not know how highly I value the trust I have been given.
During a scene chemicals moves, trust is given, passion is building, power and empowerment is clear, together we become one and during the whole scene I must keep it safe.
A alternative to all of this above is a safeword that chrushes it all.
The key is be aibel to read my submissive in the scene, see how she is reacting, see and understand her bounderies and maybe most important Commuication !

We use so many words in our day-to-day relationships to communicate with our partner. We tell them how we feel, we tell them when we are sad and when we had a shitty day. We tell them when we feel like we have been wronged. Why should BDSM be any different? Why should we take all of that beautiful, complex language and reduce it down to one word. Safewords are a tool, and we are using them wrong.
Why  take all the communication and replace it  for instance with Red as a safeword Why should this singel word be better than all communication – verbal and no verbal ?
I have play using edge play. Where no doesn’t exactly mean no, and where the submissive offcourse are allowed to fight back and must communicate to me as a Domiant.
Removal of a few of words like: no  “red” and stop. dosen`t meen that I don`t understand the Words No and Stop , but I now have to more then understand them I have to read the situation and take communication to a higher state of understanding verbal and non-verbal.

You can practice BDSM without safewords. You can play and have no mean something. You can play with someone who will listen to you when you ask to be let down using more words than just ‘red’. The thought that when someone engages in BDSM all of the beautiful powerful communication more then just using simple Words it will accutaly be more safe, even binding me and my submissive even more and trust and respect is key in any situation of the scene.
“that is how everyone does it” makes me profoundly uncomfortable. Maybe it should make you uncomfortable too.

 

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2 thoughts on “The art of no safeword

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  1. Everything you said about communication and trust is true however, I don’t believe that safewords are about lessening that trust, they are actually about enhancing it. If you are secure enough in your role to let your sub have a safeword than you are secure enough to know that despite being dominant, you are not perfect.

    Safewords are about exactly that, safety. Anything can go wrong at a moments notice and not having to try to communicate that in anything more than just one word allows for expediency.

    It’s not about ‘because everyone is doing it’, it’s about the trust and responsibility put into ‘thou shall not harm your submissive’. FWIW it’s not less trust, it’s more.

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  2. When I first started in the scene, safewords were on the very periphery of what was understood about BDSM at large. Most people I knew didn’t use them, more for the reason that they had intense understandings between themselves and their partners, and felt comfortable without them. Too, people took a while to come to meet, it wasn’t like it is today when people can literally hook up in a matter of hours and be playing either that day or in a few days. Now there isn’t as much time for intense or deep involvement in conversation, in getting to know one another and so on. So a safeword tends to become part of the overall negotiation, a safety valve (if you will) to keep both sides in check should there be a misunderstanding, a miscue, or just a mistake in the course of the impending scene.

    My first submissive and I didn’t have a safeword. We actually never discussed it, and our play was pretty seamless. The trust between us was absolute. She placed herself fully in my care and trusted me to know when enough was enough. Not that I didn’t check in with her periodically when the scenes got hard, I did. But a safeword wasn’t used.

    Later on, in other relationships, it did come up, and we discussed how it would all work out. I’ve had submissives that specifically didn’t wish to have one, and others that have insisted on it. I’m certainly flexible enough to accomodate each type of preference. All that being said, I also think safewords in some respects are like a crutch, it takes the place of that intense communication and trust that can build between a dominant and submissive over time. When you get to know someone through communication, through play, through learning their body language, their ‘cues’, you can develop a level of rapport, of understanding that a safeword doesn’t necessarily be needed. It’s a safety net, but it can also be a barrier to the concept of trust. It’s very much a double-edged sword.

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