The need

I believe at times we all have contradictions that that run through our head. This is especially true within this lifestyle of BDSM, D/s, Ms, etc… Any of you that have followed me for any length of time know that I have written about the contradictions that lie within submission. There is the internal battle many times of what seems right versus what a submission wants, needs, or craves. It can be hard to accept these things and come to terms with our desires for these seemingly inappropriate acts and treatment. In today’s society, it can even seem very wrong to even want to submit and give power and authority over to another person, regardless of the acts that may play out. Well, I’m going to let you in on a little secret… this can be hard for me as a Dominant as well.

When I take the time to look at some of things that I enjoy about being Dominant, and the aspects of this lifestyle that I enjoy (the not so gentle or nice aspects), and compare that to what is considered socially acceptable, it can stop me in my tracks. In fact, in some circles I potentially could be clinically determined to be a sexual deviant and be need to be on the registered sexual offender list. I could be one of those people that has to carry that stigma and has everyone look at him as though I am an outcast. Why don’t we just go ahead and take me to the town square and hang me for all to see and rid our community of such atrocity.

I see scenes of seemingly rough forced sex and I like it. I see scenes of whipping and I love the pretty  stripes left across the submissives ass. I see various acts of pain inflicted and I want to do those things myself. I want to make my slave moan and scream and beg, and then make her take even more. I want to make her choke on my manhood, only to let her breathe and then do it again. I see pictures of women in of cages and think “Hmmm… I have one of those!” I think about spanking her pussy and hurting her nipples and want to subject her to it over and over. I want to give myself into her repeatedly so that it hurts her and she screams, and I won’t stop until she’s a foggy mess of a blob that can’t even function. All to exert my Dominance, fulfill our own needs, and show her how she is owned and at my mercy .

Here lies the contradiction. At the same time, I love and care for my slave. I want to go places and do things with her. I want to hold her hand. I want to spoon with her as we sleep. I want to caress and care for her. I want to gently kiss her on the forehead. I want to have her head in my lap and stroke her hair and cheek as we watch television. I want to laugh with her, and pick at each other in fun. I want to defend her when she is threatened, and throw myself in front of any danger she might face. I want to shield her from anything harm that may come her way.

How can I be this way? How can I want to hurt her in one breath and protect her from pain in another? How can I want to subject her to such apparently cruel acts, but then want to protect her ?

How? I’ll tell you how! Because it’s part of who I am as a man and a Dominant, and also what my slave needs and craves from me. It’s part of the dynamic we have together, each knowing our roles and place with the other. Each of us, in actuality, feeding off the other to be this way to meet our owns needs as well as fulfill the needs of each other. Am I like this with everyone? Absolutely not! The key to it all is consent. I have no desire to do these things with someone that does not want and need it. That doesn’t turn me on one bit. I am secure in the Dominant I am and the things I desire and need as a Dominant. For this to work for me, I need a willing partner. I need someone that wants this from me, and even pushes me to do more and go further with this side of myself. I need consent as well as a mental and emotional connection to be this way with someone. This is not about taking what I want from just anyone. It’s about being that way with and for my slave because she needs that from me, and it allows me to be able to be my true self.

I may be a walking contradiction in many ways, but I’m ok with that. I’m good with the person I am and have uncovered. I won’t lie to you, it’s not always easy, but that’s ok as well. The struggles make the triumphs worthwhile. For me, the benefits far outweigh the downsides.

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The Feelings

When starting out in D/s, there are many things, situations and activities that are discussed.  Talking can only take you so far.  For so many aspects of D/s, you really can’t get a grasp of it totally until you have actually experienced it.  The feelings involved are definitely one of those aspects. I can discuss this With my submissive, about how intense feelings can become.  About how intense being together in this manor can be.  About how when things perfectly line up, and you find the “one” for you, how intense the feelings for each other can be.  Until they begin to actually experience it, and get away from just talking about it, it is very hard for a submissive to really comprehend how it will be.
Some may have never been in a position to have feelings like this before.  They may have never allowed themselves to be open enough to feel like this before.  Maybe they have wanted it, but they have never found the right person to be able to give them what they really need, enabling them to open up and feel like this.  Whatever the case, once it happens, it is hard to prepare for it before you begin to have these intense feelings for your partner.  It can catch many people off guard.  In reality, it can be so different than anything they have felt before, that what they are feeling and experiencing in their mind scares the hell out of them.  They are afraid of what they are feeling and want to run and hide.  There is a sense of being too vulnerable.  There is a sense of being too exposed.  There is a sense of nothing good can come of this, and that the only possible ending to it is being hurt.  Most of the time this is because of past experience with a partner, or not having been through this before, and feeling so open that they just can’t deal with it.

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This is where trust and open communication become so vitally important.  It is a must to be able to talk this through with your partner.  I feel I have to show my sub that it is ok to feel this way. It is natural for these feelings to develop.  Most importantly, that I am in no way here to hurt you or cause you any psychological or emotional damage.  Trust is developed over time.  A person can’t demand it.  It is over time that you will see that my actions back up my words.  That I am here to care for you, protect you, and guide you to what is best for you.  It serves me no purpose to take you down a road of destruction.  I am here to show you the way to new and better things.  I am here to show you how great this can be.  I am here to help you see and feel things in a way you never thought you could, or even knew you could.

Most people that are afraid of what they are feeling do so because it is new, and they don’t understand it.  Yet, deep down they do like what they are feeling and know that it is something very special.  A door has been opened for them to a whole new world.  A world that maybe they have been searching for their entire lives.  We all get in our comfort zone, and can be afraid to step out of it.  But, only in stepping out of it and into new territory can we grow and progress.  If you stand still, you can’t move forward…you become static…and you will never go anywhere other than where you are right now.  Is that what you really want?  Is that what you really want to settle for being?  I don’t think so!  I think a sub wants to be able to step through that door and have what is waiting on the other side.  With some care, love and reassurance, she can see how great things can be.  That her fears may have been a bit over-thought.

It is hard to try and to look for something that may not exist, which would cause anyone to lose hope.  But when you do find it…when you find that special person and those special feelings…even if it is scary, aren’t you glad you have a guiding hand to hold onto to show you the way.  A hand that will protect you the best it can and be there for you.  One that wants nothing but to make this adventure the best it can be.  You may be frightened…scared…afraid…or even terrified.  I think the only thing worse than that is the thought of giving it up when it’s everything you have ever wanted.  Finding what you have always wanted and needed, only to give up and walk away because it seems scary to you?  To me that is more frightening than facing the feelings, accepting them, and taking a chance on a wonderful and beautiful relationship.

Don’t be afraid!  Here is my hand. Take it in yours!  Hold onto me and together we can face this journey.  Together we can make it everything we have ever wanted.  All you have to do is let me show you the way.  Let me show you that your trust in me is worth every once you have.  I won’t let you down!

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The Expectations

I have responsibilities and I also seek responsibilities
I have the responsibility to develop , learn and understand my submissive.
I have the responsibility to be strong and independent. I have the responsibility to be wise and patient, and to be controlled and in control of ourselves and my submissive.

I have to accept accountability for whatever happens with my submissive.
I have the responsibility to take responsibility (and accountability) for both our actions, and my submissives’ actions.
Well, submissive responsibilities exist too. (No, not “suck my dick daily” kinds of responsibilities).Responsibilities in submission are supposed to include communication with me as a Dominant. Having patience with the relationship. Working to build trust with me. And having realistic expectations of the relationship, while understanding the meaning of discretion when things need work. You know…all the stuff below?

Remember Patience
Patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace, and grace is importent.
When you start dating someone – you don’t ask them to marry you the first week out. Nor the first month, or (hopefully) the first year. So why are you in a rush to be “collared” immediately? Why is there this pressure to invent a myriad variety of “collars” to validate every single status change in the relationship? Date. Hang out. Talk.
Communicate on fantasies and find the common  fetishes and kinks.
It takes time before a Dominant becomes YOUR Master. It takes time for me to learn your way, It takes experience to recognize your body language, it takes time to understand how my submissive is thinking.

Have Realistic Expectations
You aren’t perfect? Well, neither am I. I seek to learn every day. I am constantly working on those imperfections, through self-help, personal exploration, educational classes, and reading.
It takes a lot of work to build a relationship – and that relationship has to be built from both ends. I understand that you are giving a lot when you surrender your body, soul and mind to me as a Dominant , I respect off course this highly.
BDSM is beautiful , some of the Pictures and the stories are just Perfect……..But this is not everyday life.
A BDSM relationship in the Movies or books are fiction.
An fantasies of a Superman/Batman Dominant are also fiction, a true Dominant has strenghts and weeknesses.

Consistency
I do the best I can to enforce the rules and follow thru consistently.
There’s something to be said for a sub who is the same Level in her level of devotion, her level of commitment, and her level of caring. I motivate, I train, and I guide. But if you’re giving us a different persona and a different level of submission every other day… will make the relationship very hard, and will be hard for me as a Dominant also to be conscientious.
Off course there is no such thing as a calm seas at all times in any relationships, but thats something totally differnt then consistently.

Trust
A
ctual trust, not “earn it or else” trust
Nobody trust  immediately from word one. That would be insane.
You’ve heard the old adage “trust takes time”? Well, trust also takes effort. And communication , from both parties. Trust is always a two way street.
As a Dominant I cherish trust, but trust is always about giving and reciving.
Trust is never a Dominant only responsibility, my submissive has to win my trust.

Sanity
This is a no brainer. But unfortunately, it rarely gets spoken of in our lifestyle.
We all have our issues and I can give much to my submissive but im not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, but I respect that we all can have expirences in Our lives that can be hard to cope With and life is brutally hard sometimes. Entering deeply emotional and effort-related relationships demands that both parties are open and honest about who we are, where we stand and whats Our story.

Stop Recycling the Past
Expirience Counts, and hell ya its the defeats and how we turned defeat to expirience that makes us who we are.
But that said…this is us, starting fresh.This is a new relationship and maybe you as a submissive is New to the BDSM relationship.
I have met a lot of submissives over time, each one of them have taught me a lesson.
But im not in a search to copy my past, I want to create the New beginning, this should off course be the same for my submissive.

Honest Effort and Understanding
You might want us to know how hard submission is? Well, I want you to know how hard Domination is.I say there is a deep dimensions in the emotional and psychological impact.
For both me and my submissive, this could be hard and tough at times…..
I demand therfor a honest effort and understanding for the responsibillity I cary.
As like I respect my submissives effort in learing and developing.

Communication
Domination AND submission. Master AND slave. Top AND bottom. You AND me, Please note the “and”  It means that just as much as you expect me as a  Dominant to communicate with you about your training and performance…I expect the same of you.
This is what I Call the circle of BDSM realationship.
If you can’t communicate to me as a Domiant this would be like the blind leading the deaf.
I have a lot of skills, but since im not Batman or Superman, I do not have the gift to read Your toughts…
The better you as a submissive communicate, the better Dominant I will be.

The rules

Rules in a Bdsm relationship is important.
Beacause the rules are given to my submissive for her to understand and the rules are there to molde her, develop her, secure her and reminding both my submissive and me as a Dominant what i aspect of my submissive.
Rules are the core of a realationship and they are set to help my submissive.
So i often hear a submissive ask me “what rules are you going to give me? ” “How are you going to punish me if I break a rule?”

Well the answer at that point is , I do not know. I talk to sub all the time on Fetlife and also talking to submissives i know personally they tell me , about meeting new Dominants and the 50 rules they give, and most want the submissive to memorize everyone, and not in order. I myself find such behavior not only childish, controlling, insecure, inconsiderate , okay you get the idea.

I myself, take the time to get to know my submissive, inside and out. I want to know what she is going to say before she speaks. I want to know her thoughts, and most of all her bad habits and her ways. This is where the rules come in.

Rules are set in place to help, and to guide. I want my submissive to grow, blossom, be the best she can be. I want to motivate, through positive reinforcement.

A good submissive needs rules, it makes them feel complete, and they strive to be the best they can be.Ninety percent of the time one will only break a rule, if they feel they are not getting the attention they should be getting.

To many rules can make her feel over whelmed, confusion. Can make her feel as she is walking on eggshells , and last but not least fear.
Fear has a lot of exciting possibilities , but fear will never give you a good Submissive, it will give me a submissive who is using to much of her energy not breaking the rules, and this will prevent the submissive to grow and develop.
Therefor i have few rules for my submissive ( normally a Maximum of 10 rules)
They should be easy to follow and the rules are made for my submissive, not rules i have found on Google. The rules are very personal both for me as a Dominant and my submissive.
One of the important parts of rules are , when one is broken, punishment needs to be giving at that time, and explained why she is being punished. I am sure you get the idea. What I want to do is improve what I have, build her up, encourage her . I want my submissive to be the best she can be, in all aspects of her life.

As a responsible  owner  and Dominant I never make the mistake of not following through punishment if rules are broken, the out come is not good, once you lose that control, you will never regain it back. It is basically over at that point, we are no longer the dominant they need. This the key why rules are given to follow and they are there for my submissives best interest.

The key is  I never to lose my temper, there is no need to yell, scream, belittle , put down, humiliate, before punishing. I like to sit down, and talk about why the rule was broken, and give her the punishment I feel she deserve and afterwords and during the punishment asure that she is going to insure it will not happen again.

As for punishment, this is why I do not give out rules when I first meet someone, I want to get to know my submissive….Only then will rules develop and mould my submissive to the submissive I wish to create.

Rules are given as a gift to the submissive, i think a lot of Dominants forget this crucial part of a Bdsm relationship.

The Cage and Obedience

The cage will always be the main physiological tool for me to make a good well focused slave. And that, is what all this is about, don’t you think?

Almost always, they ask when the next obedience class is and how to sign up. I then explain to them that while obedience training is a very important factor in raising a well-mannered, focused slave, obedience training is not the cure for every slave training problem.  Behavior Modification is the means to resolving behavioral issues.

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Obedience Cage training my slave is not punishment for her, Cage training is all about control and taking my slave into the mindset of complete surrender of will.
The cage is HER place and it will in time be where she feels safe, secure and finds comfort. Once she comes to that conclusion she has taken a level forward in letting go. she has finally accepted who she is and that she is an owned slave without the will to be back in control again. training a slave while very important in her training cannot accomplish behavior modification. In fact, teaching obedience commands to solve a behavioral problem can and often does get in the way of helping the slave resolve her problem.

Obedience should be the single most important concern for my slave, and this releases the slave from almost all other concerns. Obedience is the foremost principle through which right and wrong is assessed by me as a Owner.

Behavior modification utilizes the behaviors differently. Significantly, behavior modification programs address the underlying reasons for the problem behaviors. This is done by identifying, analyzing and appropriately reconditioning the slave’s out ward physical signs which indicate the slave’s internal physiological and psychological state. It is the underlying physiological and psychological state that behavior modification alters and which obedience training cannot address. Although there are similarities among obedience training and behavior modification, behavior modification differs in goal, outcome and reward structure. It IS hard work and there are no quick fixes.

The vast majority of behavior problems that are presented to me are the result of inappropriate communication, over-permissiveness (spoiling) other times, problems are simply the result of unfortunate relationship dynamics. Fortunately, most of these problems are resolvable with good work from me as Dominant. It always important my slave is the clay, with the whip I will shape her , with humility I will mold her and her true beauty lies in her obedience for my her Owner , how I mold, raise and training my slave will have a huge impact on how my slave develops.
A slave is the most precious possession I as a Dominant own.

The breath play

Breath play is one of the most effective parts of a BDSM relationship.
We have know  pictures speak more than a thousand Words and in this case this is true!
Breathplay is all about:
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I don`t have a safeword for my submissive, but when I chock my submissive she has the opportunity to give me a signal, she knows by tapping my hand twice she gives me a heads up that Im pushing her to her max….. but that beeing said it`s never certain that I stop even if she gives me  the signal.
Im in Control always….thats the Principal of beeing a owner and always be in Control of any given situation.
It is always my responsibility to read and see the reaction of my submissive also when im playing with a higher risk as breathplay is.
Its all about trust and Control, but hell its also about :
Power, belonging, ownership, her sexy neck, my firm grip, strenght , surrender and its HOT as Fuck ! 🙂

I have always enjoyed the power exchange aspects of BDSM. Breath play is an activity I consider to be a perfect demonstration of the control and trust inherent in our relationship. My submissive must trust me implicitly, It puts her completely in my hands and to take control over one of the fundamental requirements for life. That level of power exchange is the essential nature of dominance to me.

Of course, this is a form of edge play. Breath play involves a risk which both my submissive and I as a Dominant need to be aware of.
There are not many Things within the BDSM play thats more effective then breath play.
My submissive told me that its just like a drug beeing chocked by me.
Its highly highly addictive for her, and I know that Im just in the begining of the breath play.

This is the article from wikipedia:

Author John Curra wrote, “The carotid arteries (on either side of the neck) carry oxygen-rich blood from the heart to the brain. When these are compressed, as in strangulation or hanging, the sudden loss of oxygen to the brain and the accumulation of carbon dioxide can increase feelings of giddiness, lightheadedness, and pleasure, all of which will heighten masturbatory sensations.”[2]
Author George Shuman describes the effect as such, “When the brain is deprived of oxygen, it induces a lucid, semi-hallucinogenic state called hypoxia. Combined with orgasm, the rush is said to be no less powerful than cocaine, and highly addictive.”[3]
Concerning hallucinogenic states brought about by chronic hypoxia, Dr. E L Lloyd notes that they may be similar to the hallucinations experienced by climbers at altitude. He further notes that no such state occurs in hypoxia brought about by sudden aircraft decompression at altitude. These findings suggest to him that they do not arrive purely from a lack of oxygen. Upon examining the studies on hypoxia he found that “abnormalities in the cerebral neurochemistry involving one or more of the interconnected neurotransmitters, dopamine, 5-hydroxytryptamine, and β-endorphin had been reported in all the conditions associated with hallucinations.”[4]

The purpose of breath play is a many delightful things. But it is also about achieving a light headed feel from the lack of oxygen which can be a very erotic sensation for my submissive, and hell I haven`t really started yet!!

The Dicipline and the Punishment

Educating ourselves about the differences and the similarities refines our methodology and improves the relationship between me and my submissive.

As with other critical discussion areas within the lifestyle, the philosophies behind discipline and punishment should be fully explored and discussed in the beginning stages of the relationship.
My submissive should know the difference and sholud be shown the difference by acting out and showing her the difference between dicipline and punishment.
So whats the difference ? ?

Discipline is training that corrects. It molds, empowers and enhances my submissive for the better. Punishment comes when there are consequences set for my submissive when she displeases me, breaks a rule, or misbehaves.
Discipline is a teaching relationship that goes on between me and my submissive. It is to mold my submissive into what I not only wants, but feels will improve my submissive. Because if she is improved she will obviously be a better submissive.
To me discipline is the day-to-day structure established for a submissive by me, whose goal is to teach, guide, and mold my submissive how to live to serve me better and also enhance my submissive as a person. The goal of discipline is eventually self-discipline or self-regulation. I can’t baby-sit my submissives 24/7. So I want my submissiv, when I am away from her, to have a system of rules within them that they will use to govern her behavior toward themselves and toward others. Gradually, that molding of the behavior, way of living, thinking and believing becomes self-discipline.
Discipline does not always carry with it punishment. Discipline can be as simple as a look or gesture. Discipline is the reinforcement of behavior. It is the framework where a submissive resides. Sometimes you can have punishment that exists separately from discipline. The two aren’t always linked together, but in certain instances they coincide.
First off punishment is not to be confused with S&M play. S&M is for “enjoyment” – by definition, “play” is typically enjoyed by one or both parties.

Therefore if punishments are consequences of violating rules or otherwise displeasing me, then punishment should be cold, to the point, and not enjoyable by my submissive.

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Punishment is something my submissive should want to avoid. There are many that believe a submissive will “purposely” act out to get punished. There are several different reasons why a submissive may act out on purpose.Often times they do not know how to communicate their needs to me as her owner !
I need to have the ability to read and learn my submissive, and also her way of acting.
A punishment should clearly identify what was done wrong, what can be done to correct it, and why the infraction displeased me. I allways clearly identify the means in which the punishment is to be carried out, then it should be handled as soon as possible. After punishment is administered there should be absolution – forgiveness. A process of accepting the consequences and punishment of a violation and moving forward. Once a punishment is carried out, I never carry it over, nor should my submissive keep kicking herself . A punishment is a sense of closure for both me and my submissive and should be embraced as such.
Making the distinction between discipline and punishment is important. It is critical to understand the process of both and how they are separate.
If my submissive is thought the difference it is up to me the owner always to be consecvent on both discepline and punishment.
Because the clearer I am , the better Dominant am I for my submissive.

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