The eyes

In BDSM as in all other aspects in a relationships there are many formes of communication.
Communication and intimacy involve sharing and respecting each other’s personal thoughts and feelings. Commitment and Security. In order to create a strong relationship, both partners need to be committed and feel secure.
They say a Picture can tell you a million Words, in this featured Picture also the text give away the importance of eye contact.

As I have already have written earlier here on my blog , communication in BDSM is key.
And not only the verbal communication thats extremly important in any relationship.
The power of eye contact is one of the most important skills you can develop. Eye contact informs the way others view us and affects all types of relationships, from those in the workplace to close friendships and maybe especially in a BDSM relationship. So, why does the way we look (or don’t look) at others influence our perceptions to such as strong degree? It turns out that this is a uniquely human phenomenon.
Anthropologists theorize that the importance of eye contact stems from something called the “cooperative eye hypothesis.” Humans can tell what other humans are thinking and feeling based on the direction of our eyes. This is because the whites of our eyes are much larger than other primates, making it easy to see where our eyes point. In contrast, other primates use the direction of the head to determine what others are focused on.

Eye contact with a stranger can achive so many things; boldness/confidence, attraction, strenght, flirtyness or even “Come closer”… Many people cannot maintain eye contact because they lack confidence or they find it just too intense emotionally.
Eye contact with a partner can offer direct access to their mind and no doubt is a Clear way to commincate. Over dinner, I like to silently stare intensely into the eyes of a women like a hungry wolf surveying his prey, knowing that my “stare” is making her react on a non verbal form of communication.. Knowing how to push the invisible buttons is most of the fun.
By maintaining eye contact with her alone and not look after other beautiful women passing by in public conveys that you don’t desire other women and you deeply desire her alone. That is a very powerful emotional and sexual signal to send.
As a couple, the silent signals we exchange through eye contact says so much about the strength of their connection as a couple even when apart – “It’s time to leave this party”, “Meet me in the powder room in 3 minutes”, “Come closer”, “Come fuck me”…
There is something deeply primal and deeply intimate about looking into the eyes of a partner during sex and also offcourse under BDSM play, It is like looking into their soul. That is a very powerful connection during a deeply intimate act. I want her to see how I am craving her and let my “read” her eyes just like she is Reading my eyes. I want to see every single facial expression as I touch her body. I want her to see my passion and desire for her. Most importantly, I want to be looking deep into her eyes at climax.
Another example is eye contact during a blow job, every man or Dominant knows how powerfull eye contact is.
There is a big difference in a submissive sucking my cock who at the same time look my deep in the eyes, I know it`s just the same the other way around.
If i lick my submissive she feels evry inch of my tounge even better if she at the same time are looking at the passion in my eyes.
There is a big difference in fucking your submissive while looking in her eyes, licking her or even undressing her.
I do mean  the secret of good sex is how you connect, and eyes are there the most important tool.
As a Dominant I can over time give orders and commandos to my submissive only with the expretion in my eyes, and quess what, the submissive is sending the same signals to us Dominant.
BDSM without connection is like a fish without water , it`s not just important, it is essential.
A common punishment in BDSM might be to tell your submissive to not have the chance to see a Dominant in the eyes, maybe give her the order to look in to the floor.
This is always powerful because both knows about the power of commincate with the eyes.
If you as a Domiant uses this technic on your submissive, it is crusial that I as a Dominant never look away from my submissive or takes my eyes from her.
I can garantee that she feels every second of your eyes staring down on her.

I never do breathplay without explaing to my submissive how important it is to give the submissive the information to look deep into my eyes at the same time, I can also here garantee both of you a whole other expirience.

Eye contact during spanking is close to impossible ( beside if you spank the submissive from infront), but most likely I spank my submissive from behind.
Also in this situastion eye contact is important, but then after you have spanked your submissive.
I say as a technic for Domiant to move around alot during play, this gives you as a Domiant the opportunity to see the reaction from her body, but also give me a Domiant the possibility to look into her eyes how the submissive is reacting.

In aftercare eye contact is even more important then in those few examples I just wrote as examples.
In aftercare I will assert that eyes, Your voice as a Domiant and what you do is essential.
But once again it all starts With your eyes….The gateway to the soul !


The training

I have previously written a post on the topic ” Training a Dominant”.
As you might know in BDSM the leash always in a 24/7 relationship goes both ways.
Training is something we do to learn something new, be aibel to gain more expirience and understanding why and how we do it.
Training is simply another word for learning or education and you might know the statement: “Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough we must do.”
In the beautiful world of BDSM I do mean training is core in a 24/7 relationship.
To be more spesific regarding a D/s relationship , training is meant to adjust the submissives core attitudes and behaviors to be more in tune with her Owner. D/s training is as I see it not breaking Down, but rather braking in!
Beacause I mean in the center of training a submissive/slave is not to change her, but let her understand that training is to free her.
Training is not breaking down, because I want you to learn to let go. The goal of  the training might be : understanding what is expected of you, learn the right and wrong way to go about certain tasks and anything else that I wishes to apply in the process of the submissive/slave to let me break in. Training of a submissive/slave is as important if she all new to the BDSM relationship as if she has years of expirience.
Why ? Because during training I break in, and this expirience builds this strong and good dynamic between my submissive/slave and me, but also a Clear understanding of what I as a Dominant want from my submissive/slave.

By the time we enter into a relationship and before training starts, I always want my submissive to find knowledge of her own  and finding the answars to very personal questions, questions like :
Do I want this or do I need this ?
What good will most likely happen in such a relationship ?Is there any negative impact on my life With this lifestyle ?What consequences might that have for your M/s relationship? What will you achieve with your Dominant(Owner)? What is my strengths as a submissive/slave? Does what your Dominant(Owner) offer match what you as a submissive/slave seeks? What is your purpose in entering a Master/slave relationship?
There are 100 of questions , but the funny part here is that you as a submissive/slave knows all these questions already that`s relavant for you. ( or I hope you do)

Typically you have acknowledged if not embraced your submissive need and you have resolutely decided to move forward in exploring it ( thats maybe why you have a profile here on Fetlife) .From that point most of the time we are eager to learn more about the the lifestyle, you want to understand more about your submissive nature and you might also be committed to a Dominant. So why is the training then nescessary?
Rember the part about breaking in ? Thats why and why is it that maybe the idea of beginning training might be so unsettling?
I believe that the reason is this. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the unknown is a universal experience among humankind. It you think about it, I’m certain you can recall many times in your own past when you experienced it. The idea of submissive training makes us feel uneasy and insecure because we have so little knowledge about it.

Therefor I will as a Dominant give you some advise…..Seek knowledge on your own, talk to friends, (Vanilla or BDSM) ,ask yourself some of the questions I gave as excamples ( Or let me be specific: Ask yourself the questions that you think is important to you)
buy books on Kindle and search the web on what others think training of a submissive actually is.
And maybe the most important thing to understand as I see it:
Get the answers from Your Dominant what he/I think training of you as a submissive/slave is and also what`s the purpose of this training.

It is easy to assume, given the dynamics of a power exchange relationship, that training is a  one-way street. In other words, in the training process, all the instruction flows downhill from me the Domiant to my submissive/slave and all learning is absorbed by you the submissive/slave. Actually nothing could be further from the truth. Training is in fact a arena where instruction and learning flows back and forth in both directions. It is definitely a two-way process.

Yes, I the Dominant instructs and you learn yet at the same time I is also learning and in a sense being taught. Perhaps not in the sense that I am learning new skills or techniques, but I am learning about you, your own unique personality, capabilities and who you really are. These lessons helps me formulate specific goals, plans and strategies for your training, training that is individualized and specific to you as my submissive/slave. In the exciting phase in not to break you down, but let me break all in.

Training is also to prepare my submissive/slave for rules, rituals and protocol, but hey thats for a future post.

The Question

As a lifestyle Dominant, the amount of times I have been asked: ” why submit to you” is so rare, and the crazy part is this is a very valid question.
It`s even more then a valid question , it`s decisive.
Every individual has their own reasoning for why they choose submission or to submit and those questions are best answered by a submissive – I am a Dominant.
In this blog, I won’t be answering the question directly as to why an individual should submit to my as a Dominant. Let me start by saying there is a significant difference between the question, why should I submit to you and, why submit?
I am writing this to provoke thought in those who may be thinking or have asked the very generalized and curious question, why submit?

Why Submit?
My response to this question almost always ends up being a returned question; How many relationships have you been in that you sacrificed yourself for your partner and you weren’t cherished, acknowledged or appreciated for them?
I generally ask this question rhetorically, I know the answer.
In my experience, if a new or curious individual asks this question it’s for a few common reasons.
They’ve previously  maybe been taken advantage of by a partner.
They have maybe given themselves to a partner and felt unacknowledged – alone.
They have maybe a preconceived notion/assumption of how a D&s exchange is/works.
Now that I have answered the original question with a question, let’s assume I am right and they have responded to my question with the acknowledgement that they’ve been in a situation like I’ve mentioned above.
Great! Let’s proceed into how this translates into an answer to the question, why submit?
In many current as well as past relationships, an individual has and will do everything for their partner with little to no appreciation or recognition for what they have and/or are doing. Sometimes, so much so that they are left to feel meaningless, unwanted.
This is in complete contrast to the underlying principles of a Dominant and submissive exchange/relationship. There are many fundamentals to a D&s exchange, but here are a few core principles – trust, understanding, and appreciation.
The trust that a Dominant won’t take advantage of a submissive’s choice to submit and to know that the Dominant is there to protect, provide and develop the submissive. The trust in the Dominant’s intentions, that they are pure , not cruel and unkind.
The mutual understanding that they both serve a purpose to each other. The Dominant’s understanding of the sacrifices a submissive makes for the Dominant – it’s a choice, not an obligation and the submissive’s understanding of the relentless focus a Dominant must maintain in order to lead the submissive into submission.
I have in many other blogs named this as the circle of BDSM.
Lastly but certainly not least, the appreciation I as a Dominant maintains for my submissive, knowing my submissive journey in her development, always having in mind that what my submissive is giving to me as her Dominant is the greatest gift she can give, likewise my Dominance I give to her is the best I give her. ( The circle)

Now that one understands a few of the important principles, the equal parts connection, and desire that binds them… why submit?
Imagine this.
Doing the dishes, cleaning, completing tasks and making dinner is not submission.
Therefor I never focus on these tasks.
I have never met a woman that will grow by cleaning and doing the dishes.
What actually is a reason to submit is the relationship dynamic and follow a few core principles of a D&s exchange – trust, understanding and appreciation.

Allow me to shear a statement :
“People never change, they just become more of who they really are”

With this in mind there is also a answer on the question ” Why submit?”
If you as me acknowledge this fact, and you are a real submissive why not become more of who you are, and if you are as myself a Domiant you know that becoming more of who you are is essential in beeing a Domiant.
There is a dynamic here that is key to “why submit?”
Bare in mind we as People never change, we just need to find our partner ( my submissive in my case/ Your Dominant if your are a submissive.)
If everybody was complety honest this would be a simple task, but as you know ” honesty is rare”.
Many hope to be, wishes to be, trying to be, but this has nothing to become more of who they really are.
This is the same for Dominants and submissives
There are countless examples as such I could provide you where relationships are wrong and even dangerous. This is also true in BDSM relationships where it is wrong to submit. But I will state that it is never wrong or dangerous if the man you submit to take this responsibllity devoloping you to become more of who you are, and always takes decisions that always keep your best in mind.

Think back to one of your old relationships and ask yourself:
If I trusted and knew they weren’t simply taking advantage, we both had a mutual understanding for our roles in the relationship and sacrifices as well as myself weren’t unnoticed and unappreciated?
How would that have impacted the relationship? How would it have improved the love you shared?
So, the next time you ask yourself why submit or ask a friend why they have chosen to submit. Perhaps ask, what is the quality of the relationship? How strong is the love in a D&s exchange or, how powerful is the connection between Dominant and submissive?
Remember, this article doesn’t answer the question of why submit to an individual Dominant. This article doesn’t answer the question, “why should I submit to you?” Those questions are much more personal and should be answered by the individual who’s asked and should be answered with far more thought.
Let me end this blog like this:

To submit you need a Man you respect, and respects you.
To submit you need a man that values your submission and you as a submissive value the Dominantion.
To submit you need trust, and a Dominant that`s always honest.
To submit you need to be strong, and a Dominant who knows that strenght is what I do, not what I say.
To submit you need a partner and a Dominant that always protects.
To submit you need a provider and a Dominant that always making decisions that keep your best in mind.


The art of no safeword

No safeword ?! Are you crazy !
Well I have heard it all before, so many submissive`s and also Domiants I have talked about this topic has reacted just in the manner most likely you do, when you are reading the start of this blog.
Safeword have been a keyword in BDSM so much that even outside the kink world have heard of them.
I got a qustion today : ” I fear if there is not a safeword it might go wrong and the trust might be broken forever”
I replied that I agree in the statment if the Dominant is not expirienced it might go very wrong and this is much of the reasons why I don`t use safeword.
I as a Dominant need trust, I will correct myself I base my hole Dominans on trust, this trust I have been given will I protect and cherish as the most valauble gift any other person can give me.
A Dominant without trust is like a fish without water……Trust is essential.
And if trust is so essential for me , why in the world would i risk loosing it ?
Yes , it might be “easier” for some to have a safeword ( also as a Domiant) but my submissive would not know how highly I value the trust I have been given.
During a scene chemicals moves, trust is given, passion is building, power and empowerment is clear, together we become one and during the whole scene I must keep it safe.
A alternative to all of this above is a safeword that chrushes it all.
The key is be aibel to read my submissive in the scene, see how she is reacting, see and understand her bounderies and maybe most important Commuication !

We use so many words in our day-to-day relationships to communicate with our partner. We tell them how we feel, we tell them when we are sad and when we had a shitty day. We tell them when we feel like we have been wronged. Why should BDSM be any different? Why should we take all of that beautiful, complex language and reduce it down to one word. Safewords are a tool, and we are using them wrong.
Why  take all the communication and replace it  for instance with Red as a safeword Why should this singel word be better than all communication – verbal and no verbal ?
I have play using edge play. Where no doesn’t exactly mean no, and where the submissive offcourse are allowed to fight back and must communicate to me as a Domiant.
Removal of a few of words like: no  “red” and stop. dosen`t meen that I don`t understand the Words No and Stop , but I now have to more then understand them I have to read the situation and take communication to a higher state of understanding verbal and non-verbal.

You can practice BDSM without safewords. You can play and have no mean something. You can play with someone who will listen to you when you ask to be let down using more words than just ‘red’. The thought that when someone engages in BDSM all of the beautiful powerful communication more then just using simple Words it will accutaly be more safe, even binding me and my submissive even more and trust and respect is key in any situation of the scene.
“that is how everyone does it” makes me profoundly uncomfortable. Maybe it should make you uncomfortable too.


The reason why

As I has blogged about previosly TPE is the highest form of a BDSM relationship and its not possible to have TPE if there is not a 24/7 Ownership and a relationship as a  fundation . And as I see it, TPE is not a static form of relationship, quite the contrary, TPE is the Magic of the circle of BDSM.
I see a TPE based BDSM relationship as a common development and journey for me and my slave/sub.
And where there is common development, there usualy is common goals for the relationship.
Owning a slave/sub is as all Dominant knows the highest form for responsibility I can have, therefor it is important first and foremost before talking about TPE both parties need to understand and communicate why and also how the TPE should develop and be implemented to the BDSM relationship.
In the BDSM community, there are quite a few mentions of TPE. This is especially true when discussing fantasies. Despite the fact that there are many fantasy-based desires for a Total Power Exchange, very few people are actually comfortable engaging in it, in real life. The vanila thinking does apply and therefor a slave are often afraid to give that much of themselves to another person, even though the thought may temporarily excite them.

What I think is important are that TPE involves a lack of limits and completely entrenched slavery with potentially very much and communication for my slave and me. TPE can be a controversial practice, as well. BDSM often hinges on consent, and the gray area of consensual non-consent is a hot-button issue. Still, TPE is the desirable dynamic for me as a Domiant. As with any lifestyle choices, it is not without any bumps in the journey.

Just as in vanilla life, the road to mastering lifestyles in BDSM can be rather tough. There are factors that will distract, discourage, deflate, and possibly defeat. If beeing a Owner in a TPE relationship were easy, everyone would master something. In practice, we all know that is not the case. Even though it will be difficult, we still strive for the best possible outcome, because achieving the extraordinary is extremely fulfilling. So it is worth the effort to overcome these obstacles.  And there will be obstacles and also times where TPE is hard to keep in everyday life.

Distraction is a part of everyday life. But this temptation for distraction can be built into the framework of how a life is controlled and a platform for my slave/sub to consentrate around the most important part, ” I am totaly Owned and live in a TPE Relationship”.

For my slave/sub to implement this way of thinking she needs protocols, rules and the 4 P`s I have given to her ( Protector, Penelizer, Partner and Provider) All of this is written in the slavebook she keeps.This is the fundation for my slave/sub to turn to remind her of the TPE relationship and for me as her Dominant to follow thru and give her room to grow in the TPE relationship.
I as a Domiant can never give the 4 P`s and build a TPE relationship on my own, I need the slave/sub to have exactly the same goals for the relastionship as me and be sure that she works hard for a TPE relationship , the deeper the TPE is in my slave/sub the stonger is my Ownership and also as we both can build something deeper, more profound and stronger then any vanilla relationship or BDSM relationships that`s not founded on TPE.
I know from expirience that a TPE relationship is how the circle of BDSM is strongest and I as a Dominant shine the most.


The Pain

Pain can be a good thing.

Once the pain begins, the endorphins rush into the bloodstream – of both the one inflicting pain and the one receiving it. Pain is therefor creating a Whole special bond between me and my slave/sub.
The effect of giving pain to someone I resepct and honor is hard to set the right Words to.
Building up pain tolerance is a process is sometimes key, because I think building up pain tolerance is not just a slave/submissives job, in fact is quite the oppsite, I as a Dominant can toghether With my slave/submissive build pain tolerance, make her feel it hurts so good.

Let’s talk now about why it’s a good idea to build up your pain tolerance. First of all, when you have a longer pain tolerance, my slave/submissive can have longer session with me, which is always a good thing. I will be able to do more for/to her without she needing a break or I need to stop the scene for a pause and then have to start all over again in the ride of the endorphine rush. Also, the more pain tolerance she has, the more easily she will be able to slip into subspace, which is never a bad thing – that floaty feeling is something that every slave/ submissive wants, but needs to be ready their body for.
But not all slaves/submissives are created alike. Though some might consider thereself to be a masochist, that doesn’t mean pain is easy to take. For others , pain is so simple for them that they can’t wait for more. Depending on where you’re at, you as a submissive might need different strategies for training to take on more pain. A good place to begin is for me as a Dominant to come up with a target for the number of paddles, lashes, etc. that you should be able to take. Then, they I  just have to test you to see how close you are to that eventual goal. This way I can see just how close you are to getting you to the goal. And she can have a clear idea of how your progress can be measured – and how much more pain you need to learn to take.
The variation of the power I put in to the lashes, paddles is also important.
If I give 10 out of 10 all the time there is no room for any improvment.
I as a Dominant is responsible that inflicting pain and also training my slave/submissive to take more pain is mesurable.
Because if we masure our goals , than they are easy to understand.
And if it is possible to masure the pain, it is also possible to reward my slave/submissive.

To help encourage the pain process, rewards are always a good way to develop my slave/submissive to find the beauty in taking even more pain.

But where I as a Domiant gives rewards, there is also punishments.
Punishments is for my slave/submissive to understand if for instance  my slave/submissive in the middle of the scene walks away, turns, leave the room  during a scene where I are in the middel of the process of giving her the loving feeling of pain, This behavior is not acceptable and therefor must be punished.
As I have stated before, I only hurt those I love.
Therefor it is extremly important that my slave/submissive understand the purpose of reward and punishment.
I never seek and search for reasons to punish, I seek and search for the responsibility to develop my slave/ submissive.

Rewards might include orgasms and privileges for particularly good sessions, while punishments might be deprivation of orgasms and for instance inflicting pain where I know it stings the most.
In most cases, pain tolerance can be build up through slow and steady progression. This means that each time the pain is applied during a session, I might add more and push my slave/submissive further than she think we can go. With practice and persistence, the slave/submissive will eventually be able to take the pain and then they will be able to take more and more.
In the beginning, however, it might be difficult, so I  need to stop to rest for a bit to see if the slave/submissive can recover enough to start again during the same session
These pauses is not the same as aftercare by far, this is Natural pauses for her to feel how high she went on the scale of endorphins rush and for her to feel the adrenaline rush working thru out her body and mind.
I have stated before that pauses is maybe the most efficent tool to use in any situation With my slave/submissive.
Because its when the rain stops you can actualy feel that you`re wet. And just the same effect is it on endorphins and adrenaline rush….you feel it strongest and most sincere when the pain stops and there is a pause.
Pain tolerance is something I and my slave/submissive is building together, this is not me as a Domiant just hitting more and harder for that purpose alone.
This is the core of Development and rewarding my slave/submissive to Reach other Levels than she ever tought she would reach. This is the feeling I want to give my slave/submissive that exploration in pain is some of the most freeing feeling in the world.

The Experience

Knowledge is Power, experiences is what you do With Your knowledge. But how is this combined in BDSM? Knowledge and experience, what is most important to me.

For me, a submissive’s experience level with BDSM and submission is almost always irrelevant. Honestly, I generally prefer a submissive with less experience than one who may be more ‘a finsihed sub”. There’s a good reason for this, which I will get to in a moment.
I’m obviously posed the question; Does Experience Matter? often by submissives. Probably due to my extensive experience with being a Dominant and the intimidation that can often come with that to a submissive who may not have the same level of experience or, who is new to the lifestyle. Which is fine, as I am never looking for most but rather, the few.
So, why do I often prefer a submissive with less experience? The answer to this is quite simple – their ability to be molded.
Through my exchanges, I have come to find that an experienced submissive has generally developed habits and/or interests that are based upon and reflect their previous Dominants. Obviously, these are not my interests or habits, thus I do not have a desire to break or correct the habits imposed by another.
To engage with a submissive who holds less experience allows for me to possess a greater ability to lead them where I wish for them to be and not where someone else has led and left them.
It goes like this, I prefer for a submissive to be a blank canvas. Someone who is aware of their desire to serve, yet, they haven’t been molded into someone else’s vision and for the intimidation of my experience to be a catalyst in furthering my Dominance, control, and power over them.
It’s never about what she’s actually done, but what she’s willing to do. Her ability to submit how I desire.
Does experience matter? To me, no. However, that goes without saying that there are certain instances which I feel experience does matter or it may be important to evaluate.
For instance, if a submissive holds far greater experience over a Dominant, what will tend to happen is the submissive will end up ‘Topping From The Bottom’ which can ultimately undermine the entire purpose of a D/s relationship.
Also, a Dominant with less experience may run a greater risk of abusing His authority and role. He may also leave a submissive wanting and yearning for more. In this case, it may be wise for the Dominant to stick with a submissive of equal experience so that they may explore together at the same pace.
Likewise, a submissive should evaluate what levels of control they require from me as a Dominant as with experience, generally comes confidence – My Dominant confidence is my ability to lead her to submission and make her what I desires her to be.
Ultimately, as all things, it is a matter of preference and requirement. I require to start from square one, I seek her that I can develop how , I seek her that knows or at least belive that a 24/7 relationship will make her stonger and make her more hole.
I do not want a submissive that is over her developing fase.

Boundaries is a part of devolping and molding my submissive therefor I say that expirience is not that important thing I seek in a submissive, but still I always know that if she has expirence in beeing owned many Things has been tought her that makes the dynamic apear stronger and also often faster.

The secret

Anyone can cause pain and create marks on someone else. Anyone can be aggressive and controlling. Anyone can spend a little time in a scene with someone and push their limits. The pain will go away. The bruises will go away. The marks will eventually fade and go away. As a Dominant, it’s the way you treat your submissive outside of these times that will stay with her and will last.

Here in Norway there is a book by a famous hotell owner by the title :
“Let me tell you my secret”
With no comparison , I want to tell my Secret to you.
The Secret of how I mean the cirkle of dominans is working and what I as a Dominant need to know and do.
Everytime I do this I get alot of mail from other “dominants” saying: ” who the hell are you to tell me anyting about whats right in domination”
Before you “dominante” start sending me those emails , I`ll tell you once again this is MY toughts, this is MY Secret as a Dominant and this is how I solve things…
Is this a copypaste for all Dominant`s outhere? NO!

The first part of beeing sucsessfull in a BDSM relationship I as a Dominant have to give my submissive care and support throughout their relationship. I have  to offer reassurance and encouragement. I need to make her feel appreciated for her submission, what she is willing to endure for me, and even as the woman she is in being to me as her partner. This is not something that is only part of a scene together. It has to be part of the entire relationship, every single day. It is this being there for her, and helping support her in being who she is for me, that will last and stick in her mind. It is treatening her like she is important part of my life and that I care that will stay with her most.

It never ceases to amaze me how so many “dominants” think being Dominant is just about the scene, using her sexually, or making her suffer pain. They just want the action and fun and then are on their way. They don’t understand aftercare and the importance of it. They don’t understand continual ongoing care and the importance of it. They don’t understand that it’s the time between your scenes that are most important. This time is what helps her process what happened, gives her constant reassurance, and makes her want and need more from you. And I would like to repeat….

The time between your scenes that are the most important.

A Dominant cannot just be part of the scene and then disappear or not put forth any effort. It’s this effort that solidifies and reinforces who she is and what she gives. She cannot be left floundering on her own to deal with everything. Me as a Dominant, I have asked for her submission and she has given it to me, so I have to be willing and able to take her on. Her submission is not just about the actual physical acts, but helping her learn and grow in addition to that as well. If left to herself she will not be getting what she needs from you. She will withdraw. She will lose trust in me as her Dominant. She will lose respect for me as her Dominant. Ultimately this will mean you lose her submission to you. Once this happens, it will be very difficult to regain, if not impossible.

A power exchange relationship, of whatever dynamic you choose, is a constant ongoing process and exchange. It’s not just for the fun aspects and when it’s convenient. When you invest yourself and your time into your partner, you can find more than you ever dreamed and get more from your partner than you ever knew you could have.
I Call this the cirkle of BDSM.

If you don’t give the time and effort, you are doomed to fail. She is worth and deserves that effort from me as her Dominant. Don’t be that guy that just uses her for your own enjoyment and pushes her aside. Be the Dominant she needs all the time. I promise you will get more in return than you ever imagined, and it will continue to only get better.

From personal experience, I can tell you that no woman, no matter what or how you try to explain to her, can grasp how her emotions will become involved. How her need will grow. How this will become an addiction for her. She has no way to know. She has no reference point as of now. I can drill into a sub how intense this can be. How emotional it will become. But until she is actually there and feeling it, she really can’t know and understand.

She will be required, with me anyway, to be completely open and honest at all times. She will be required to open herself and her inner thoughts to me like she never has to anyone before in her life. She will be faced with being vulnerable like never before. In many women this will strike fear. Fear of having to be that open. Fear of having to share such a dark side of her newly discovered self. Fear of being hurt by being so open. There is no hiding and no holding back. Many times she has been hurt in the past, and has withdrawn and put up so many barriers that it takes an entire demolition crew to begin to knock down those walls. This can be a very emotional time for her. She wants this and needs this, but is scared to death at the same time, as she is introduced more and more to this life by discussions, pictures, assignments, and so on.

This is where having the right Dominant is so important. It is at this very moment that her entire submissiveness swings in the balance. This can become the best thing ever, or it can become the nightmare she so greatly fears. Who holds the key to which way it will swing? I, the Dominant, does. It is up to me to guide her through this jungle of emotions. It is up to me to support her, do all I can to make her feel safe, and to show her I care. That I’m not just here to use her and do all these naughty things to her and treat her like trash. Although, this may be what she believes by all she has seen and read on the internet. I’m here to help support and hold her up. I’m here to lead her down this path, help her face her fears, and see that I mean what I say and I am who I say I am. That I’m not here to tear her down, but to build her up. It is through this support and care that she will begin to believe that I am truly here for her. That I really do want to help her be who she needs to be, and in a loving and caring manner. That I don’t want to change her, but want to open her up and help her spread her wings to be who she already is.

This blog could offcourse gone on forever, but to summit up I made this list:

  • Care and support Your submissive.
  • Always appreciat the submission she is giving to you.
  • The time between the scenes are most important.
  • Aknowledge Your responsibilites for Your submissive.
  • Learn about all the feelings that is at play in a BDSM relationship.
  • Dont try to change her, Develop her.
  • Never tie her down, but focus on letting her be free.
  • Be the gardian Man she needs and want.

My expirience is that if you follow this steps as a start……..You will start the Journey of building the cirkle that BDSM is all about.

The game

For me it’s fairly easy to break BDSM into two main categories. First, there are those that just like the kink and the role play, which I call kinksters. It may just be sexually or from time to time for fun or as a way to spice things up. The second is those that Domination and submission is is a deep part of who they are and something they need in their life. It transcends just play and kink and is some they need to feel complete and whole. It’s a way of life. I, without a doubt, fall into the second group. It’s a part of me and what I need to have as a part of a relationship. It’s part of who I am. There is nothing wrong with being a kinkster, so don’t get me wrong. Either is fine as long as it works for the person engaged in it. You have to find what fits and is right for you. But just for play or a role…not for me.

Whenever I see problems within this lifestyle, one way or another it seems to come back to the difference in these two categories, or at least many times it does. And when people are new to this, especially Dominants, or those claiming to be Dominants, this is the part they just don’t get…not yet anyway. This doesn’t mean they can’t learn and that most don’t want to learn, but they aren’t there yet. These Dominants jump right in when they see this and think it looks fun. They think it would be great to have a woman be at his pleasure.

Many submissive women, on the other hand, come into this with a deeper understanding initially of who they are and what they need. They have looked at this for a long time before taking steps towards this lifestyle. They know it’s a part of who they are and what they need. They have likely battled within themselves as to whether they can or really want to do this. Or whether they feel it’s even right and ok to do this. They may be very scared and vulnerable but know they need a Dominant Man in their life to be accountable to and to have oversee them.

This is the difference between the categories…one seeing it as fun and play, at least initially, while the other
sees it as a way of being and needing the depth of it. This tends to lead to a lot of potential issues that neither is aware of, prepared to face, or even knows exists. This is where I see the problems arise and where things can go so very wrong.
Most Dominants don’t start out know just how deep and what a responsibility being Dominant really can be. He doesn’t realize just how much the submissive will rely on him and need him. A majority of what she needs from him will come outside of their scenes or play. It’s before during and after the scene that she needs the care, support, and reassurance from her Dominant. The Dom has to realize that he is responsible for, and that the sub is looking for, her mental and emotional well being. He has to realize and understand that the actual play only lasts a short time, but the support and care she needs lasts throughout the entire relationship, day in and day out. The Dominant should never jeopardize the subs physical, emotional, or mental health and well being just because he wants to have fun, and have her get him off. If you aren’t prepared and expecting to deal with ALL parts of the submissive, you shouldn’t be wanting to deal with just the physical apsects. The exception to this is if both people are completely open, up front, and share their position and expectations and are in total agreement.

I am just looking at this from my own point of view, and where I am coming from as a Dominant that sees this as part of who he is. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with just enjoying the play aspects of BDSM, and there are many people that do. Yet, I believe it’s vitally important for those involved to be open about how they see this and what they expect from it. Is it just fund and play, or is it a dynamic within a relationship that you are seeking? If it’s the relationship, then you have to be wiling to learn, and study and give more than you may have ever given…and in this I am speaking to the Dominant. Be ready, willing, and able to care for your submissive, inside and out. If you aren’t willing to put that much time and effort into the relationship then you need to be wiling to take a step back and look at the bigger picture…the submissive’s overall mental, emotional and physical health and well being. She is putting all that in your hands, so you better be willing and able to handle all that involves.

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