I quess you have read a lot of blogs and discussions on Fetlife about how to Train Your submissive.
In my opinion, all the talk in BDSM circles about “training a submissive” is wrong-headed. No standard training regime is required to be a good submissive partner. In reality, it is we the Dominants who require the training, and not simply on how to wave a whip safely or spank a submissive.
I need training, Dominants need training, or knowledge and practice, because we assume the authority in the relationship. The ability to retain and wield authority responsibly, and consistently over time, is not innate—there are no “born dominants” as I have stated in other blogs.
One must acquire and develop these skills, and doing so can take years. Even accurately perceiving your own words and tone as you speak can be challenging, as is choosing an effective mix of substance and style to convey a specific demand.
Although one can find workshops presented by dominant men or women describing their own experiences with D/s, there are no accredited schools for dominant lovers. Most Dominants therefore educate themselves, hopefully with some mentoring by other wise People maybe outside the BDSM world.. But for most of us, we are trained by trial and error within our relationships, causing our submissives and ourselves suffering when we as Dominants fuck up.
For submissives, the only skills which all must master are emotional and interpersonal best practices, like honesty,respect clear communication, sound boundaries, managing emotions, awareness of triggers, focus in the present—which aren’t specific to kinky relationships. Submissives who tend to have a strong psychological subspace response should also learn to handle that. Whatever other abilities that a particular Dominant desires his love to obtain can be taught at the appropriate moment as their romance unfolds.
And I as a Dominant do indeed teach their subs many things, especially how to recognize and fulfill their needs & desires, and also life skills beneficial to their partners. Different Dominants naturally teach different lessons. But to be an effective teacher, a Dominant must first learn his sub; her strengths and weaknesses, how she absorbs and embraces new ideas or behaviors. Next, I must adapt his ways of instructing and guiding to her. Teaching is a lot easier if you understand how the submissive thinks and learns!
Having a mentor is the closest that most Dominants and subs get to actual training. The most productive mentoring relationships are dom-to-dom and sub-to-sub, although the other combinations can also work. Mentoring is largely conversational; it happens over coffee, on the phone, via the Internet. While mentoring may occur within a romance, a relationship formed for the purpose of mentoring should not become sexual, as that creates a conflict of interest for the mentor. A mentor’s goal must be the growth and success of his protégé.
A mentor could also offcourse be outside the BDSM world, this is the solution I have choosen.
The best part is that she is a she and she have tought me things I never in my life never tought about at all. And when you learn Things you never ever has tought about…..then you are really Learning something.
And I seek knowledge and learn to understand myself as a Man and a Dominant still after 3 longtime D/s relationships, this should be a motivational factor to all the Dominants out there.
Because when you learn , you develop and are getting stronger in any aspect of the word strong.
Heavy is the crown to carry the responsibillity for myself as a Dominant and the submissive I want to find.
Some couples like to use “training” as a kinky label for getting-to-know-you activities or early BDSM sessions. These really aren’t training per se, but language is a useful romantic lever, so why not “train her” if that feels hot. In the opening stages of a D/s relationship, both partners are best served by simply learning each other. Fitting any two people together, in kinky relationships as much as vanilla ones, is like doing a puzzle; it takes time and some trial and error. I as a Dominant may need to accommodate a new submissive somewhat to win her trust. Over time, she will of course accommodate him extensively as their trust deepens.
A period of immersion in D/s roles—around the clock for a weekend, a week, or even a month—may be hot and bonding for some couples.However this is not a getting-to-know-you exercise! Only couples with established mutual trust should attempt to dive in such waters.
Some wanna be Dominants like to talk about “breaking a submissive” as a desired outcome of “training”. Sadly for them, people are not horses. You cannot expect to magically level your lover’s limits by putting her under sustained pressure. For many kinky couples, the practice of BDSM is indeed about finding and transcending boundaries, over time. Someone facing a boundary to be crossed must decide to do so; forcing them across is almost always damaging, to the individual and the pair
So my advice to subs is: “Don’t seek BDSM training; work on your emotional and interpersonal skills, and seek a capable, sincere , honest Dominant. To my Dominant friends : “Definitely seek education and mentoring; what you wish to achieve is hard!” A Dominants responsibilities—wielding authority wisely, and teaching and guiding his partner—are not easy, and not inborn. Learning these skills takes focus and practice, and wisdom from those with some mastery of them. Becoming that to which you aspire is a long and often a hard journey.
All of this will make me even better for the new submissive I will find somewhere out there.
And if I improve, and I still will be working on being a better Man and Dominant this will be a two way win street , for me and my new submissive !