The game

For me it’s fairly easy to break BDSM into two main categories. First, there are those that just like the kink and the role play, which I call kinksters. It may just be sexually or from time to time for fun or as a way to spice things up. The second is those that Domination and submission is is a deep part of who they are and something they need in their life. It transcends just play and kink and is some they need to feel complete and whole. It’s a way of life. I, without a doubt, fall into the second group. It’s a part of me and what I need to have as a part of a relationship. It’s part of who I am. There is nothing wrong with being a kinkster, so don’t get me wrong. Either is fine as long as it works for the person engaged in it. You have to find what fits and is right for you. But just for play or a role…not for me.

Whenever I see problems within this lifestyle, one way or another it seems to come back to the difference in these two categories, or at least many times it does. And when people are new to this, especially Dominants, or those claiming to be Dominants, this is the part they just don’t get…not yet anyway. This doesn’t mean they can’t learn and that most don’t want to learn, but they aren’t there yet. These Dominants jump right in when they see this and think it looks fun. They think it would be great to have a woman be at his pleasure.

Many submissive women, on the other hand, come into this with a deeper understanding initially of who they are and what they need. They have looked at this for a long time before taking steps towards this lifestyle. They know it’s a part of who they are and what they need. They have likely battled within themselves as to whether they can or really want to do this. Or whether they feel it’s even right and ok to do this. They may be very scared and vulnerable but know they need a Dominant Man in their life to be accountable to and to have oversee them.

This is the difference between the categories…one seeing it as fun and play, at least initially, while the other
sees it as a way of being and needing the depth of it. This tends to lead to a lot of potential issues that neither is aware of, prepared to face, or even knows exists. This is where I see the problems arise and where things can go so very wrong.
Most Dominants don’t start out know just how deep and what a responsibility being Dominant really can be. He doesn’t realize just how much the submissive will rely on him and need him. A majority of what she needs from him will come outside of their scenes or play. It’s before during and after the scene that she needs the care, support, and reassurance from her Dominant. The Dom has to realize that he is responsible for, and that the sub is looking for, her mental and emotional well being. He has to realize and understand that the actual play only lasts a short time, but the support and care she needs lasts throughout the entire relationship, day in and day out. The Dominant should never jeopardize the subs physical, emotional, or mental health and well being just because he wants to have fun, and have her get him off. If you aren’t prepared and expecting to deal with ALL parts of the submissive, you shouldn’t be wanting to deal with just the physical apsects. The exception to this is if both people are completely open, up front, and share their position and expectations and are in total agreement.

I am just looking at this from my own point of view, and where I am coming from as a Dominant that sees this as part of who he is. Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with just enjoying the play aspects of BDSM, and there are many people that do. Yet, I believe it’s vitally important for those involved to be open about how they see this and what they expect from it. Is it just fund and play, or is it a dynamic within a relationship that you are seeking? If it’s the relationship, then you have to be wiling to learn, and study and give more than you may have ever given…and in this I am speaking to the Dominant. Be ready, willing, and able to care for your submissive, inside and out. If you aren’t willing to put that much time and effort into the relationship then you need to be wiling to take a step back and look at the bigger picture…the submissive’s overall mental, emotional and physical health and well being. She is putting all that in your hands, so you better be willing and able to handle all that involves.

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The boundaries

A Dominant/slave relationship isn’t something that can be described as static. While your partner may not change for years at a time, that doesn’t mean the level of your relationship has to stay the same. In fact, as you and your slave work together, it’s a good idea to push each other’s boundaries to see just how deep you can take the relationship and the power structure. As a Dominant, you want to spend some time working on pushing the boundaries of your slave in order to ensure they are continuously learning and growing in their role.
What are the Boundaries in Your Relationship?

Before you can begin pushing your slave, you need to sit down with them and talk about what the contract between you already states. This will help you both to see what you think are the boundaries, whether they need to be changed, etc. Ideally, your slave should create a list of things they want, a list of things they never want, and a list of things they eventually want to try. The things they eventually want to try is the list that will help you see what boundaries you want to push. Since the slave is not necessarily comfortable with these items right now, you will be pushing their edges and making them grow in their role as a slave. Using other commands you might use for other tasks, you can see how they perform when they aren’t sure what’s going to happen next

A New System of Dominance

Pushing boundaries can lead to a completely new system of dominance as well. For example, instead of being the domineering Dominant that barks orders, you might want to try being calmer and just more steady in the way you deliver tasks to your slave. While this might not seem like a way to push someone’s boundaries, if you change the way you act with your slave, they will not necessarily know what you are up to – which can make them more on edge than they have been in a while.
Or you might simply want to change the way you interact with your slave in a scene. You might ask for your slave’s trust as you push boundaries as you see fit, allowing them the chance to tell you to slow down or to stop if things get out of hand.
You want to push the boundaries of your slave because that’s the best way to see just how hard they can work and how much they can learn. No one wants to learn the same things again and again, so you need to make sure there’s always something new around the corner.

The need

I believe at times we all have contradictions that that run through our head. This is especially true within this lifestyle of BDSM, D/s, Ms, etc… Any of you that have followed me for any length of time know that I have written about the contradictions that lie within submission. There is the internal battle many times of what seems right versus what a submission wants, needs, or craves. It can be hard to accept these things and come to terms with our desires for these seemingly inappropriate acts and treatment. In today’s society, it can even seem very wrong to even want to submit and give power and authority over to another person, regardless of the acts that may play out. Well, I’m going to let you in on a little secret… this can be hard for me as a Dominant as well.

When I take the time to look at some of things that I enjoy about being Dominant, and the aspects of this lifestyle that I enjoy (the not so gentle or nice aspects), and compare that to what is considered socially acceptable, it can stop me in my tracks. In fact, in some circles I potentially could be clinically determined to be a sexual deviant and be need to be on the registered sexual offender list. I could be one of those people that has to carry that stigma and has everyone look at him as though I am an outcast. Why don’t we just go ahead and take me to the town square and hang me for all to see and rid our community of such atrocity.

I see scenes of seemingly rough forced sex and I like it. I see scenes of whipping and I love the pretty  stripes left across the submissives ass. I see various acts of pain inflicted and I want to do those things myself. I want to make my slave moan and scream and beg, and then make her take even more. I want to make her choke on my manhood, only to let her breathe and then do it again. I see pictures of women in of cages and think “Hmmm… I have one of those!” I think about spanking her pussy and hurting her nipples and want to subject her to it over and over. I want to give myself into her repeatedly so that it hurts her and she screams, and I won’t stop until she’s a foggy mess of a blob that can’t even function. All to exert my Dominance, fulfill our own needs, and show her how she is owned and at my mercy .

Here lies the contradiction. At the same time, I love and care for my slave. I want to go places and do things with her. I want to hold her hand. I want to spoon with her as we sleep. I want to caress and care for her. I want to gently kiss her on the forehead. I want to have her head in my lap and stroke her hair and cheek as we watch television. I want to laugh with her, and pick at each other in fun. I want to defend her when she is threatened, and throw myself in front of any danger she might face. I want to shield her from anything harm that may come her way.

How can I be this way? How can I want to hurt her in one breath and protect her from pain in another? How can I want to subject her to such apparently cruel acts, but then want to protect her ?

How? I’ll tell you how! Because it’s part of who I am as a man and a Dominant, and also what my slave needs and craves from me. It’s part of the dynamic we have together, each knowing our roles and place with the other. Each of us, in actuality, feeding off the other to be this way to meet our owns needs as well as fulfill the needs of each other. Am I like this with everyone? Absolutely not! The key to it all is consent. I have no desire to do these things with someone that does not want and need it. That doesn’t turn me on one bit. I am secure in the Dominant I am and the things I desire and need as a Dominant. For this to work for me, I need a willing partner. I need someone that wants this from me, and even pushes me to do more and go further with this side of myself. I need consent as well as a mental and emotional connection to be this way with someone. This is not about taking what I want from just anyone. It’s about being that way with and for my slave because she needs that from me, and it allows me to be able to be my true self.

I may be a walking contradiction in many ways, but I’m ok with that. I’m good with the person I am and have uncovered. I won’t lie to you, it’s not always easy, but that’s ok as well. The struggles make the triumphs worthwhile. For me, the benefits far outweigh the downsides.

The Failure

It`s been some time since I blogged, so much has been going on in my life during this summer.
And as I always stress, BDSM is part of my life and not a lifestyle , therefore I have`nt made time for blogging.
Anyhow, thanks for all mail and feedback on my blog I read all mail I recive and you also know that im replay each one of you.
The feedback from all is really highly appreciated.

I have a job and a life thats built around alot of responsibility and I have also blogged about that a Dominant crave , like and need this extra trait.
I bear not only their own personal responsibility to be of good conduct, but also culturing that sense of responsibility in my submissives and my households. Be it full-time or part-time, it would be irresponsible, and therefore immoral if were we to demand obedience to commands that would do harm to my submissives or their responsibilities (children, parents, job, etc). It is a line that must be walked between the responsibilities… of lives touched and desires. Impulse control, self restraint, and “the long term view” are marks of responsible ownership. Such responsibility cannot be “passed down” to your submissive and absolve the dominant of responsibility either.

Yes, you have your responsibilities…and so do I.

Therefor everyday life can and most likely will intervene With a BDSM lifestyle and the other way around.

As a Dominant, I am responsible for doing all I can to foster a healthy relationship. The submissive must do all they can as well. It is shared…no one is excused.

BDSM is togetherness , BDSM is us, never me, BDSM is two who finding there singel needs melt togheter in a common hope for building something strong and lasting and finding common ground to built something.
I have sadly so often expirenced that if I as a Dominant make a mistake or find it hard to Balance all the responsibility, only to expirience that a submissive redrawn from all responsibility and just pointing fingers.
This is extra frustrating for me as a Domiant , because I build my Domination upon devolping and therefor also offcourse and naturally accept failure.
Failure is not only something a submissive can expirience, YES we Dominant also have all the human-traits and as we all know, failure is a part of Learning before I do it right.

The Owner and the slave

The purest part of BDSM is a Owner and my slave.
Though it is also the role within BDSM thats hardest to fulfill both from a Owner perspective and also for the slave.
In a idealistic world a slave would be free from all aspects of responsibility.

I know is this is more of a fantasy and fiction , then a posibility now a days.
A 24/7 slave has normaly her own obligasions, friends, Family and hers duties in a “Vanilla- world”.
Im sure that so many have made the mistakes of trying to fulfill and chase this “dream” of a relationship and then really crashed and burned.
If you chase a dream of a relationship most likely it would end up just as a nightmare.

The first thing I have to pinpoint is beeing a slave is not for everybody, and far from any Dominant can have a responsibility for a slave.
I would say that its acctualy a real danger for a slave giving away all the Power to a Dominant who is not concious for his role as a Owner of a slave.
This is the highest form for Dominanse, and absolutly the higest form for responsibility for me as a Owner and Domiant.
And its also the highest form for submission for a woman to be a slave ( you did read the highest) far from the lowest !
Thats the first point for me as a Domiant and Owner, owning a slave is the highest value of BDSM.

So then i would like to focus on what I se as a slaves Place.
What is a slave’s place? Where does she belong in the relationship?
The simple truth is that a slave gets all her protection and guiding from me as a Owner.
And I mean that if one is truly committed to living Owner/slave, it is crucial to understand this basic premise.

Owner/slave is all about the exchange of power. It is the fundamental part of this way of life. The power breakdown is what makes Owner/slave different from the traditional forms of relationships. In fact, with such complete exchange of power, Owner/slave differs greatly from a D/s relationship, because of the fully responsibility I have for a slave ( yes, I remember what I just wrote about the slaves Vanilla-world duties)
But when the slave is Owned all other aspects of her life is my Responsiblity. ( part from the Vanilla duties.)

I honestly believe few are cut out for Owner/slave relationship. I see many, especially online, claim to be slaves. At the same time, I see some of these same people writing blogs “informing” others what life as a slave is all about. Sadly, this is misleading since they no more qualify as slaves than I do.

At the core of the Owner/slave relationship is the total exchange of power. It is absolute, complete, and final. This is not something that is subject to interpretation. A slave gives all her power over to her Owner. Any power retained by her  is granted by me the Owner. It is that simple.
Therefor it is so important to listen to the slave from the start and keep listining to the slave at all times, but at the end of the day it is my responsibility to have total Control and protect the slave in any situastion.
Why listen to a slave you might be asking ? ?
Well here is also one of the biggest difference from reality and fiction.
In reality there is no way I can take full controll of a slave without knowing her, knowing her core, her values, her way of thinking…
Therefor I listen, but I make the decisions.
When I as a Owner have heard my slaves opinion I will take the right choise for my slave.
Many would now say : “hey, you never listen to a slave”
Well in Movies and fiction they dont, in real life I do !

In the core of a slaves heart and purpose a slave is a Owners property.
Thats is not up for debate nor descutions.
Beeing a slave is to make my life full as a Owner and therefor make it easier for me as a Owner, not more difficult.
It is her place to available to him when I decides I wants her. Not only for sex, but for my enjoyment.
Do this mean that I want a slave to clean and Cook while I am watching TV ?
Hell no, this means that my slave at all times know her purpose.
I do not want my slave to be a housemaid, I want my slave to be happy and devlop more and deeper into her role.
I dont know about anybody who has developed by cleaning the dishes.
But I need a slave who is naked at my side when I tell her, I need a slave that responds to my commands,  I need a slave that does her tasks at the best performance she can do, and I need a slave that is confident and are learning more about her self then in any other relationship.

 

One of the hardest parts With owning a slave is this is about the slave serving me, at her interest.
Read that scentence over a few times.
The hardest part for me as a owner is to protect her needs and interest.
This is the hardest part of Owning a slave.
Not for the slave, but for me as a Owner !
My choises has to be tought thru and be in the best interest for the slave to best serve me as her Owner. ( here is where I Guess over 80% fail) because if I as a Owner stops having my slaves interest at heart, I can never own a slave.
This is not about a slave’s wishes. I considers them, I make a choice. in the slaves best interest ! ( yes I know im repating myself , but this is so important for both a slave and any other Owners to read )
I am under no obligation to do what a slave wants me to do, but it is my obligation to listen to my slave ( see the difference? )

“A slave is a slave. know your Place”. I have read sometimes for many years ago somewhere….
Well I concure that actual statement, but I`ll rather say:
A slave is just as good as I as a Owner am for my slave.
Owner/slave is about service and taking the biggest responsibility as a Owner for a slave do grow and develop.

I write this with the intention of helping people open their eyes to this way of life. A true Owner will look after his slave to ensure their safety, peace and happiness.
However, there are times when I makes choices that are in direct opposition to what a slave wants. It is at this point that a slave needs to remember her place and that she is under her Owners Control and that the trust is above anything that is “normal” in a relationship.
Making good choises for a slave is the hardest part of Owning a slave.
This is for the extreme but for those who can handle it, it is the highest form of a relationship and makes both the slave and I as a Owner grow extremely close.
It may take years to reach this goal, but when you are in a Owner/slave relationship all the work to getting to the finish line is more then a journey….It is Beyond and deeper then any relationship.

 

 

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